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The Secret to Being a Warrior Wife

April 28, 2016 by jstults 14 Comments

He shuffled into the living room, shoulders slumped, and with a great sigh lowered himself to the couch. His clothes bore the marks of a man who worked hard for a living.

He could barely meet my gaze, as if he were somehow lacking or not enough. I knew he needed my compassion and encouragement, but instead of sympathy, I felt only frustration.

After all, I thought, I’m working hard in this season, too. I’m weary, too. What do I have left to offer? It feels like too much, and I have nothing left to give.

Besides, he’s a grown man. I’m busy caring for children and our home all day long, on top of the demands of work and ministry roles that I am responsible for. If I can keep myself going, why can’t he keep himself going?

And just like that I missed the opportunity to be a warrior wife.

Have you ever been so caught up in the busyness and stress of life that you forget who you are or who you were created to be, friend?

Especially as a writer and pastor’s wife, I struggle with balancing my family and home life with the demands of ministry life. Without realizing it, I begin to neglect important relationships because I’m “just so busy.”

I become task-oriented rather than people-oriented, a slave to the to-do list rather than a Spirit-led woman.

And it’s downright frustrating how quickly and easily I slip into this mode of doing rather than being!

At a recent women’s conference, I received a wake-up call from the Lord. One speaker in particular, Dana James, reminded us of who we are created to be as daughters of the one true King in relation to our husbands.

My friend Dana shared with us that God designed us to be “helpers” from the very beginning.

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ ” Gen. 2:18

Yes, I know we’ve all heard this verse before. Our job is to help, right? That’s our God-given “role,” right?

Wrong!

Dana drew our attention to the original language, which uses the Hebrew word ezer (pronounced ay-zer). The word ezer is used 21 times in the Old Testament, but the majority of those uses are in reference to God himself, His character. In such cases, the word ezer is used in connection with words like shield, sword, deliverer, mighty, and hope.

**Thus, ezer refers to the warrior aspect of God’s character – the One who fights on our behalf, our Shield and Defender, our Rescue.**

As I looked further into the meanings attached to this word and its definitions, I found connotations of assistance or aid, especially in times of suffering or distress. It means relief given to someone in need, removing or reducing something that is painful, unpleasant, or even oppressive!

And this very same word ezer is used to describe a helper suitable for Adam.

Do you see what this means for us, my sisters in Christ?

When the Lord God chose to create woman, He instilled in her very character the properties of this ezer. He created us to be warrior women, warrior wives, who will bravely fight spiritual battles on behalf of our husbands, who will provide aid and relief to the men in our lives who are worn down and discouraged by the demands of this earthly life.

Here’s the rub: I think we all know this intuitively and most of us truly desire to live this out.

But sometimes it feels like a whole lot of work that we have no strength to do, doesn’t it?

So when I saw my hard-working husband down and out on a day when I was already in that weighed-down place myself, I chose to look the other way. I chose to put my needs first.

I left him without his ezer, his helper.

It was a selfish choice that I’m ashamed to say I make often when I’m already stressed. And I wonder, why do I make this choice? What is it that feels so hard about being a warrior wife? What secret am I missing?

The secret to being a warrior wife lies in our perspective.

“It’s who we are, not a role we play!” ~ Dana James

When I see being a warrior wife as a job I need to do, it’s easy for me to let it slide on the days when I’m worn out or discouraged. It’s easy for me to call it “too hard.” But when I see being a warrior wife as part of my very identity, as a reflection of God’s character that comes not from trying harder, but from yielding to the Spirit, then I’m left with no excuses.

It is who I am called to be in Christ, and it’s who you are called to be in Christ, too, friend. Don’t leave your husband without the helper he really needs.

You were created for this and in Christ, you are equipped for this.

Let’s be warrior wives who fight the right kind of battles, not against our husbands, but for them.

Let’s do battle on our knees and in our war rooms against the real enemy.

Let’s choose to aid rather than to ignore.

Be an ezer. Fight!

Jen 🙂

~ This devotional is an excerpt from the book, Hope for the Hurting Wife by Rebekah Hallberg and Jen Stults.

*This post contains affiliate links. For more information on Being Confident of This’s affiliate policy, please visit the home page here. Thank you for helping to support this site!

Inspiration for this devotional came from Dana James’s talk “Being a Very Strong Helper” at Tranfsormed 2016 (Central Conference) and was used with permission from Dana. If you’d like to connect more with Dana, she writes at The Prime Rib, a website for minister’s wives in Tennessee.

For a practical take on how to encourage a discouraged husband (and how NOT to), try this one from Club 31 Women.

Recommended resources for being a warrior wife:

Sharing with: Grace and Truth

How to Overcome the “For Worse” of Your Marriage Vows

February 23, 2016 by jstults 3 Comments

It’s funny how just a few small words can really change our perspective. No doubt when you took your wedding vows, you were so eager for the “for better” of marriage. Me, too! That’s not the only thing I vowed, though. That phrase had 3 more words at the end of it – ones that we often overlook. So what happens when you feel like you’re stuck in the “or for worse” phase of marriage?

Please note: I do know that there are times when it’s not safe to stay in your marriage.
This post is written from the perspective of being within a safe marriage.
If you are struggling and not in a safe situation, please do get help.

PRAY
Okay, this seems obvious, but let’s be realistic – so often, we forget about the most basic things when we’re stuck or trying to fix something.

What can you pray for? This list is certainly not all-inclusive, but here are a few suggestions:

Your husband – God knows the struggles he is facing, and He knows any areas that need work. Trust Him to work in your husband’s heart. (I can promise you with great certainty that the way God works will look completely different than the way you might have “fixed” the problem. TRUST GOD!)
Yourself – During this time, you’re going to need to pray for yourself, even if you don’t normally. You’re going to need God to work in and through you, to give you peace, rest and hope.
Your family – If there are children or extended family members involved in your life, pray for them. Ask God to provide for what they need as they go through this time.
Your situation – God knows the specifics of what is going on, of what brought you to this place. It’s so good to know that we can trust our future to God, no matter where we are, or where we hope to get!

God knows all the details of our lives – the good things and even the ugly parts – so I appreciate going to Him to pour out my heart.

God and I have had some intense heart-to-heart conversations as I’ve struggled through the “for worse” parts of my marriage vows.

TRUST
I don’t know your situation, but I do know my own. When everything came undone, there were a million and one opportunities for trusting God. I had to trust God for everything from basic necessities to keeping a roof over my head and keeping my family together.

The hard thing about trust is that, in our humanness, we desperately want the answer we want, at the time we want it. In other words, every night I went to bed without a resolution to the problem was an opportunity for fear…or faith.

It turns out that there truly is only room for one of those – fear or faith.

I cannot promise you that there’s hope for your marriage, but I can – and do – promise you that God will be faithful to meet your needs and to make your heart whole.

WORK
In my own life, when things began to go badly, I needed to get a job. I needed income. You may not be in that situation, but we all have work that we can be doing.

Ask God to make you a blessing. He may choose to do that within your home, or He may choose to do that in various ways with friends, neighbors, even strangers. If you ask God to give you a way to be a blessing to someone, He is going to do it. Personally, I like this because it gave me an opportunity to take my mind off my marriage and focus on a way to benefit someone else.

Work isn’t just a physical act, though. Work is a spiritual act. We’re in a battle, whether our marriage is in the “for better” or “for worse” category. The enemy doesn’t want us honoring God within our marriage, so he’s happy when we’re struggling. He’s thrilled when we’re ready to throw in the towel.

If you’re truly going to work to stick it out in your marriage, then you’re going to need to do some spiritual work. Each day you’ll need to prepare for battle – like you never have before. A wife has a quiet strength that the enemy knows he can’t discount. Sisters, if each of us committed to truly working through the “for worse” parts of our marriages, think of the progress we could make for the kingdom of Heaven!

* * * * *

Friends, I know that often it isn’t completely our fault that our marriage is struggling. Believe me, if you were to look at my situation, it would be very safe to say that everything that has gone wrong is completely my husband’s fault.

But, I don’t want my story to end there.

I have prayed for redemption within my marriage. I have prayed, trusted and worked, and God has answered by keeping us together and growing stronger in Him.

Working through all that I have, though, also showed me that God has a plan for my life – my own life, separate from my husband’s or my kids’ lives. No matter how things might have turned out, I knew that God had a plan for me.

As women I think we can easily get sidetracked by the many hats we wear. At the end of the day, God needed to remind me that I am His. No matter what hat I wear, I belong to Jesus. And I woke up today because He still has a plan for my life!

Whatever you’re facing, even if you’re stuck in the “or for worse” stage of marriage, remember that God has a plan for you. Pray, trust and seek Him for the work He would have you to do.

Rebekah has been completely overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of the Lord in her life. He has proven His faithfulness in every area of her life, especially in her marriage. She has come to understand the power of redemption and God’s work in her own marriage. Her goal is to be Sharing Redemption’s Stories – encouraging wives who are praying for redemption in their marriage.

When You Don’t Want to Pray for Your Husband

February 16, 2016 by jstults 17 Comments

Sometimes I don’t want to pray for my husband.

There, I said it. And saying it makes me feel all sorts of ugly inside, but it’s the truth.

When I’m angry with my husband, or when we’ve had a disagreement and the emotions that come along with that are still fresh in me, I have little desire to pray for him. In fact, even if I do pray, my prayers are likely to be punitive rather than uplifting.

Lord, smite this man’s heart and convict him of his sin!

Father, make him suffer for what he did to me!

I’m ashamed to even type these words out, much less admit that I’ve prayed them before. Have you been there, friend? Have you been so frustrated with your man that even praying seems beyond what you can handle?

So what should we do when we just don’t want to pray for our husbands?

We pray anyways.

Yes, I know that’s not the answer you or I want, but it’s the answer we need to hear.

Listen, when we sit down in prayer for our husbands, a funny thing happens – our hearts begin to change. In the midst of praying for the Lord to smother my husband with conviction, the Holy Spirit smothers me with conviction. He shows me all of the ways in which my sin is no different from my husband’s sin.

That self-righteous attitude isn’t so easy to uphold when we’re communing with the God of the Universe, is it?

Sometimes I’m tempted to hold back, even while praying, and hide away those sinful thoughts. But our Father sees and knows all. One of the best perks of praying is being able to unleash all of that pent up anger and frustration to the One who loves me anyways.

Like a frustrated, independent toddler who finally gives in to a parent’s offer of help, I find peace in the arms of the One who holds me when I’m hurting.

Praying opens doors I’ve slammed shut in my own heart and brings the necessary change to forgive.

In years past, I sometimes felt so overwhelmed by marital strife that I wasn’t even sure what to pray for. Even in times such as these, the best course of action is to pray anyways.

“In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words…” Rom. 8:26 (NASB)

Praying for my husband even when I’m hurt or angry invites God to step into our marriage and smooth over the rough edges where we grate against each other. It invites Him to heal the wounds and bring redemption.

Praying for my husband doesn’t just change me, but it also changes my man.

After nearly seventeen years of marriage, I’m learning that a well-timed prayer does infinitely more good than any words I have to speak to my husband.

“Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; Be gracious to me and hear my prayer.” Ps. 4:1 (NASB)

I can ask the Lord to soften my husband’s heart and help him see my point of view. I can ask the Lord to convict my husband of any sin, not out of malice, but out of a desire to see him walk uprightly.

When I obey the Lord and pray anyways, I’m never sorry that I quit fighting long enough to pray. But in those times when I disobey and cling to my right to fight instead, when I don’t pray because I don’t want to pray…. I’m always sorry later.

That’s why I recently decided to take the plunge and commit to Kaylene Yoder’s new course, Becoming a Better Wife. If you’d like to learn more about praying and fasting for your husband and your marriage, I highly recommend this course.

The material is both helpful and convicting, but what I like most about this product is that it comes from the heart of a wife who has been desperate for change. She really gets it.

The course also offers printable material that you can keep handy for quick reference and encouragement – so many bonuses!

I’m especially pleased to be able to offer my readers a ten percent discount on the already affordable price because I believe in the power of prayer to effect change. And I know from experience that having a specific action plan is so very helpful in sticking to that commitment to pray!

So, for those interested in the course, be sure to type in code JS10 to receive your discount!

Please let me know via e-mail or facebook if you take up the Better Wife challenge so that we can encourage one another along the way. 🙂

So the next time you don’t want to pray for your husband, just do it anyways.

Even in the midst of an argument, stop and ask for a time out. Praying is the best possible choice you can make in that moment!

And if your prayers start out a little angry and vengeful, trust the Lord to work the necessary change in your own heart first.

You won’t be sorry.

Jen 🙂

For more information on the Becoming a Better Wife course, click this link. (Disclosure: Jen is an affiliate for the Becoming a Better Wife course and as such will receive a percentage should you choose to purchase through this link. Thank you for helping to support the ministry of Being Confident of This!)

For more marriage encouragement, check out my friend Jenn’s Encouragement for Imperfect Wives series! It has some excellent content from many seasoned wives. 🙂

Sharing with: Messy Marriage, Wholehearted Wednesdays, A Little R & R Wednesdays, Grace and Truth

How to Trust God With Your Marriage

August 15, 2015 by jstults 3 Comments

Sometimes trusting God with your marriage is just plain hard! Our men go through tough times and so do we. Maybe there has been a breach of trust, or maybe you’re both caught in the midst of a painful trial.

Maybe you’ve simply grown apart.

Whatever the case may be, trusting our husbands isn’t always foremost in our minds.

The hard part about being married to an imperfect man is that we are called to trust him and submit to him anyways, even:

When he forgets to pay bills
When he breaks a promise
When he grows depressed
When he acts irresponsibly
When he acts unloving
When he runs from God like Jonah

Do you find that challenging?

Because I certainly do!

When I see evidence that my husband is really struggling in his faith and not walking well with the Lord, I begin to question his judgement and leadership for our family.

That slippery slope of distrust quickly leads straight to disrespect if I don’t catch it in time.

How to Trust God with Your Marriage

Join me over at my friend Starla’s place for the rest of this piece on learning to trust God by trusting our husbands! It’s my contribution to her awesome 31 Days of Trusting God series. 🙂

Click the picture below to read!

Every Wife’s Choice Review

July 28, 2015 by jstults 16 Comments

*Being Confident of This makes use of affiliate links. To find out more about affiliate links, please visit the About page. Additionally, a free copy of this book was provided for review purposes. However, all opinions are my own and I have not been compensated in any way for them.

From the very first lines of Sarah Fairchild’s new release, Every Wife’s Choice, I knew this book had the potential to powerfully impact women, especially those in modern marriages.

Every Wife’s Choice: Loving beyond the mood of the moment speaks to the current culture of do what feels good for you and the selfish human tendency to look out for our own interests.

I’ll be honest; as a woman, even a Christian woman, my emotions often dictate my behavior if I allow them to. So stressful moments with my mate are compounded by the fact that emotions come into play and cloud my thinking.

That’s why Fairchild’s book is so important for wives!

“Sure, love is patient, but how do I choose patience in the midst of emotional turmoil? When frustration boils over into meltdown mode how do I release those pent up feelings and act patiently instead? Love is kind, but where do I draw the line before my heart begins to feel like a doormat?

I needed more than pretty cliche’s. I needed practical answers.” ~Sarah Fairchild

More than obvious cliche’s or trite sayings, Every Wife’s Choice delves into Greek word study to discover the significance of the First Corinthians love passage and apply that knowledge to everyday life in a practical yet biblical way.

From chapter one, it’s clear to readers that the foundation for Every Wife’s Choice comes straight from the Gospel itself. The mercy and grace shown to us by a loving Father is what empowers us wives to choose to agape love despite what we are feeling in the moment!

“Jesus never asks us to do more than He has already done, however, and He understands exactly what it means to love an enemy.

After all, He loves us…” ~ Sarah Fairchild

That’s why I wholeheartedly recommend Every Wife’s Choice for women from every walk of life.

In fact, the application of the Greek word study contained in this book reaches beyond marriage, beyond women, and to all Christ-followers. It’s themes are universal!

Although this study comes from a marriage perspective, the information contained is applicable to all women (and even men) desiring to love others as Christ loves us.

It doesn’t hurt that Fairchild’s book is full of humorous anecdotes from her own life, either! The chapter titled “Till Dogs Do Us Part” had me giggling all the way through yet the humor did not distract from her important message.

Fairchild’s easy style and quick humor remove any potential dryness that some readers might find in a typical Greek word study. And although the author’s approach is academic in nature, her effective use of story-telling sets readers at ease.

Each chapter of Every Wife’s Choice builds on the previous, just as each attribute of love described by Paul in the First Corinthians passage builds on the previous one. Such scaffolding of knowledge and application are aptly described by the author in the final pages:

“There is a Rock upon which we can build our love, brick by brick, choice by choice.” ~ Sarah Fairchild

Thus, Every Wife’s Choice is clearly a book for all wives:

~ the newly married wife

~ the fifty-years-in wife

~ the struggling wife

~ the happy wife looking to keep her marriage strong

“[Agape] love enables us to give ourselves fully to the marriage we’re in, whether it’s the marriage we dreamt about or a painful work in progress.” ~ Sarah Fairchild

Fairchild’s aim throughout is to free wives from the tight grip of emotions so that we can become the wives God intended us to be, wives who reflect His heart for others.

What better way to learn to be a godly wife than to study His Holy Word?

You’ve read many a time here on Being Confident of This that we are work-in-progress women. Perhaps that is what I love most about Fairchild’s book – she recognizes the work-in-progress nature of married life.

And she anchors the hope of progress firmly in our Lord.

Now, who wants to win a free copy??! 🙂

Enter to win a free copy of Every Wife’s Choice!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Keep the up the good work-in-progress, friends!

Jen 🙂

Sharing with: Grace and Truth
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Through My Grace-Colored Glasses

May 17, 2015 by jstults 18 Comments

Last night I had a little run-in with Perfectionism again. He just won’t leave me alone. He follows me wherever I go, pointing out flaws in my house-keeping, my parenting, my marriage relationship, even my walk with the Lord.

Some days I can ignore him and others I just can’t seem to escape. And I know it’s Perfectionism and not the Holy Spirit because of his voice. He whispers lies to me: “you’ll never change” or “you’re never going to be good enough” or “why even bother anymore.”

I’ve been enslaved by his words before, but last night was different.

You see, my husband and I stayed up much too late because we were arguing about a financial issue.

I felt angry and disappointed and fearful. The familiar panic of how can I possibly do right in this situation and still get my point across welled up within me, and I knew a battle was swiftly approaching.

I know some of you are chuckling right now, and rightfully so!

It’s the quandary every woman who ever lived on the face of Earth deals with: to obey the Lord and demonstrate respect for my husband or to take control and make my voice heard?

God’s way or my way?

When it comes to submitting to and respecting my husband, I so often feel like Paul in Romans chapter 7. I know what I want to do, what I should do, yet I feel powerless to actually do it.

I’ve believed so many lies for so long.

I fail frequently.

But the Lord is faithful, and I’m learning to trust His promises to carry that work in me, in my marriage, until completion in the day of Christ (Phil. 1:6).

Later on after our apologies were spoken and we both felt at peace, we finally turned out the lights in hopes for at least a few hours of sleep.

And that’s when it happened.

In the stillness of the dark, my husband’s voice broke through Perfectionism’s insidious whispers, “Thank you for being so calm and patient with me tonight.”

Stunned, my disbelieving heart rejected his kind words and earlier tears returned in full force.

“But I wasn’t patient!” I agonized. “I was so angry and so disappointed and I struggled, I really struggled, not to say mean and hateful things.” The weight of my own sin and failure hung about my neck.

My husband’s reply was quiet, yet firm, “Babe, even though you were angry, you were patient with me. You didn’t bite my head off. You maintained control. You gave me space and that helped me.”

At that moment, the truth of his words broke through Perfectionism’s grasp. No, I didn’t handle the situation as well as I would have liked; I wasn’t perfect. Yes, there was definitely room for improvement.

Nevertheless, his words rang true. What normally would have developed into a full-fledged, hours-long fight was briefly resolved. By the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, I realized that we were definitely making progress.

That’s when I saw Perfectionism for what he was – one part self, one part Satan.

Self was prideful, Satan was deceitful, and the combination of the two brought me chains of defeat that I no longer wish to carry.

In Perfectionism’s chains, I so often measure in black and white, success or failure, perfect or imperfect.

Praise the Lord that my Redeemer is teaching me to put on my Grace-colored glasses and see the shades of success, to celebrate even the smallest steps of progress, to proclaim every small victory because of His work in me, in us.

I hope I never forget that moment. My husband spoke freeing words to me last night, and the Holy Spirit confirmed them within me.

Daughter, you are the good that you so desperately want to be, not because your efforts are so grand and your reach so high, but because you are walking a path of progress, trusting in the promise of redemption. I never asked you to be perfect, just willing. At the same time, daughter, you are perfect, not in yourself, but in my Son because He already carried these burdens with Him and nailed them to the cross. They died and were buried with Him. But you daughter, you rose with Him in perfection, a new creation, beautiful to behold, born of His glory. And now you no longer live as a slave in Romans 7, but in Romans 8 as more than a conqueror, confident in the promise that you will never be separated from His love!

2 Corinthians 5:17 proclaims, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold new things have come. (NASB)”

I don’t think I’ll ever cease to be overwhelmed by such truths, such promises, such magnificent grace. In the midst of my sorrow and my shame, my Savior showed up and handed me a pair of Grace-colored glasses.

Perfectionism, you’re no longer welcome here.

I’m embracing my work-in-progress status

and the grace that has already set me free!

Jen 🙂

*This post makes use of affiliate links. For more information, please visit the Being Confident of This homepage. Thank you for helping to support this blog!

~ You just finished an excerpt from the book Hope for the Hurting Wife by Rebekah Hallberg and Jen Stults, two women who have walked through the valley of troubled marriages and emerged safely on the other side. Their testimonies to God’s presence and hope in the midst of difficulty gives hope to wives who are really struggling not to give up!

Find additional encouraging content in this book:

Sharing with: A Look At the Book, Make Your Home Sing Monday, Tell It To Me Tuesday, Titus 2 Tuesday, Titus 2sdays, Wedded Wednesdays, A Little R&R Wednesdays, Wholehearted Wednesdays, Grace and Truth, Faith Filled Fridays

How We Love ~ Grace and Truth Week 5

February 13, 2015 by stultsmamaof4 7 Comments

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I’ve been thinking a lot about love. How we love our husbands, how we love our children, how we love neighbors and friends and even the church. The agape love we are called to is a mighty force when we see it in action. It’s a beautiful, awe-inspiring thing! Unfortunately, we often miss opportunities to demonstrate such sacrificial love in our homes, our communities, and our churches.

At the end of last week, I wrote about loving even when marriage is difficult. So, of course, the title of Christy’s (from Faith Like Dirty Diapers) post immediately intrigued me, and I wasn’t disappointed! This is one of my favorite lines from what she wrote: “What I built in my sinful flesh has to be dismantled by “divine power.” I CANNOT do this alone. I need the Spirit of God to intervene in a mighty way.”

Amen, sister! I’m realizing that over the last decade or so, the Lord has been tearing down the human constructs in my marriage and rebuilding new ones based on Christ! Be sure to stop by and read the post for yourself. You can also catch Christy on facebook.

I pray that as we go into Valentine’s weekend, we’ll be overwhelmed by the Father’s love, which will overflow in agape love towards all of the people in our lives!

Jen 🙂

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6 Ways to Stir Up Love in a Difficult Marriage

February 7, 2015 by stultsmamaof4 23 Comments

A few days ago, I shared just part of my struggling marriage story and how difficult Valentine’s Day is when you don’t feel like celebrating love. If you didn’t catch that first part, please go back and read For the Wife Who Doesn’t Feel Like Celebrating Love before you read any further here so that you can get the whole picture. 🙂

I’m happy to say that our marriage is in a much stronger place now than it was then, although not without its problems. So, this Valentine’s Day will be easier than the one I previously described.

However, I know so many of you wives out there are hurting, too. How do I know? Because the number one searched word that leads people to this blog is the word “unloved” from a post I wrote way back in 2013.

Since then, I’ve been contacted by so many Christian wives who truly desire to walk in obedience to the Lord even in the midst of marriage problems, but they just aren’t sure how. I have been that wife myself!

So, if you find yourself in a marriage that just plain stinks this Valentine’s Day (or birthday, anniversary, Christmas, whatever you happen to be celebrating) – if you believe you can’t show love because you feel so unloved – I have some advice for you that comes from my personal experience as a struggling wife.

6 Ways to Stir Up Love in a Difficult Marriage

1. Remember who you are in Christ. This has been key for me in overcoming lies from the Enemy about my marriage. In Christ, I am completely and perfectly fulfilled. I am perfectly loved. I am wanted. I am cherished. I am chosen. Any loving that I do, has to flow from that place of understanding who I am as a Daughter of the King and Christ’s Bride. When I find my identity in Christ instead of in my marriage, then I can survive the tough times.

2. Pray. Pray without ceasing that the Lord will give you His unfailing love for your man. I can’t tell you how often I’ve begged this of our Father over the years. That agape love comes not from us, my sisters in Christ. Rather, it is an overflow of abiding in the One who IS perfect Love. Pray for your man, as well, that he will demonstrate love to you in return. The Lord can affect changes in his heart that you can never hope to make!

3. Seek counsel. My husband and I might face the effects of PTSD on our marriage for the rest of our lives. I pray not, but it could be so. We’ve found a few godly friends who really “get” us and even more importantly, “get” our marriage dynamic. They understand because they’ve been there, too. However, I highly recommend seeking out a godly Christian counselor. We’ve been through several over our nearly 16 years of marriage.

Our current counselor is by far my favorite. He doesn’t downplay the reality of PTSD as some do, neither does he downplay the power of Christ. He brings scripture into our sessions and ends each one with a prayer that brings encouragement to our hearts.

My friends, there is an indescribable comfort in realizing that your marriage problems are not unique.

Others have faced them and overcome them before! You are not alone as the Enemy would have you believe. Seek help! And if your man won’t go with you, please don’t use that as an excuse not to get help for yourself.

4. Make a list. Sometimes when I’m really struggling to love my husband, I make a list. I take note of all of the things I admire about him – all of the reasons for loving who he is as a person. This really helps me to turn my focus from the negative, things I dislike, to the positive, things I like. It also helps me to look back and see the ways in which he has grown over the years. After all, he is a work-in-progress, just as I am. Remembering that fact helps me to show him more grace and love.

5. Read your old journals or love notes. Every once in a great while, I pull out my memory box and look through pictures or keepsakes from the early years. I read the notes my husband wrote to me. It’s easier to love someone when I remember that he loves me, too! The memory box also helps me to remember how marriage can be easy between us. It doesn’t always have to be a struggle (that’s another lie straight from the Enemy, sisters!). Good years will return as long as we both continue to follow the Lord and pursue each other.

6. Pursue your man. Okay, honestly, I still fight this one so hard at times – it’s a pride issue for me and an area the Lord is still working in. However, I’m learning that when I obediently reach out to my husband instead of waiting for him to reach out to me, he responds and we both gain. Pursuing him might be as simple as stopping what I’m doing and looking him in the eyes when he speaks to me, or choosing to sit next to him on the couch and hold his hand even if he sat way over there in the first place.;)

I know how difficult the above advice is to hear when you’re so broken-hearted, so wounded, so unloved.

Yes, I know it is.

But I have faith in the God who works out the impossible!

I’ve seen it in my own marriage in places where the Father has torn down our shabby constructs of love in order to build up newer, stronger foundations that rest on Him alone. I believe Him when he says I can do ALL things through His strength – even loving someone whom I might believe to be undeserving of my love. I can love someone who doesn’t love me in return, perhaps even someone who truly despises me at the moment, because of the power of Christ in me. And you can do it, too!

You can celebrate Valentine’s Day without glossing over that fact that your marriage is hurting. You can be honest with your spouse. You can choose to act lovingly toward him even if he is not reciprocating. You can cling to the hope that Christ redeems us, and He redeems our marriages, too!

You can, my sisters in Christ, because of Jesus.

Father, when we feel discouraged in our marriages, when we struggle to speak even a few loving words to our husbands, help us to remember that our marriages are works-in-progress, too. Show us the progress, Lord! Give us agape love for our husbands so that they might be drawn to us and drawn to You. Remind us to pray for them. Remind us to pursue them. Show us every small way in which we can encourage and uplift them because of Your strength in us. And when we’re feeling so unloved ourselves, help us to turn to You, the Author of perfect Love. Teach us to be satisfied in You. Especially on this Valentine’s Day, I ask you to bind up the brokenhearted and give them Hope! Because of Your one and only Son’s death on our behalf….

Amen!

Jen 🙂

*This post makes use of affiliate links. For more information, please visit the Being Confident of This homepage. Thank you for helping to support this blog!

~ You just finished an excerpt from the book Hope for the Hurting Wife by Rebekah Hallberg and Jen Stults, two women who have walked through the valley of troubled marriages and emerged safely on the other side. Their testimonies to God’s presence and hope in the midst of difficulty gives hope to wives who are really struggling not to give up!

Find additional encouraging content in this book:

For the Wife Who Doesn’t Feel Like Celebrating Love

How to Love When You Feel Unloved

Through My Grace-colored Glasses

It Was Ugly

For more encouraging articles on marriage, check out the Celebrating Marriage pinterest board!

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For the Wife Who Doesn’t Feel Like Celebrating Love

February 5, 2015 by stultsmamaof4 49 Comments

It’s no secret to those who know me well that my marriage isn’t perfect. Whose is, really? 🙂

So maybe you’ve spent time there lately, struggling in marriage, battling through in that part of the vows that we all like to ignore – the “for worse?”

And with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, your pain is magnified because while everyone else is celebrating love, you’re left wondering where the love has gone.

Perhaps you don’t even want to celebrate Valentine’s Day at all?

You’re not alone.

I’ve been in that place, too.

Early on in our marriage, my husband revealed a secret about past trauma that he had kept hidden for years. He had survived things as a child that nearly made me vomit when I heard them, yet he never spoke a word!

That revelation (and other difficult circumstances) led to a really dark time in our marriage.

After talking with some trusted friends, we finally sought professional help, but it was years later before we learned that my husband really struggled with PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). Yes, the kind that soldiers get when they’ve been to war, only his was induced by childhood trauma.

At some point, I began to wonder – who is this man that I married? Followed by the thought – this isn’t what I signed up for.

We continued on, struggling in marriage, partially because of his own personal fight with demons from the past and partially because I was believing lies from the Enemy about myself, about him, and about us.

I worried a lot about whether we would make it.

Sometimes I even longed for the release and relief of a separation. Wouldn’t it be so much easier on my own?

But I knew that divorce was a sin. I also knew I didn’t want that life for my children, and I knew that part of me still loved my husband in spite of not feeling the love at the moment, so ultimately we decided to stick it out.

Yet it wasn’t easy.

And then came Valentine’s Day, a day for celebrating love and marriage.

The problem was that I didn’t feel “in love” anymore. In fact, at times I didn’t even like my husband, and I don’t think he liked me very much either. I didn’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day at all.

So, how can you buy a Valentine’s Day card for your husband when it feels like a lie to even say a simple, “I love you” or “You’re wonderful?”

There are no Valentine’s Day cards that talk about staying committed even though marriage is hard right now.

There are no Valentine’s Day cards that talk about how you weep at night, yet you hold onto hope for better days.

You cannot find a card that demonstrates how much you value your commitment and value your spouse in spit of feeling unhappy, nor cards that express the hope of longing for a healthy marriage.

No, those cards don’t exist.

What could I do? To buy a sentimental card felt like a lie; it would be dishonest. Finally, I settled on a more general card, then added my own note to it.

I wrote about how hard life had been lately for both of us.

I wrote how sorry I was for my own failures as a wife. I wrote about what I saw in him when we first fell in love. Most importantly, I wrote how I planned to stick by him, for better or for worse, even though marriage seemed so much more than “worse” at the moment.

In so many words, I told him I believed in us and I believed in our God.

*Being Confident of This makes use of affiliate links. For more information, please visit the home page!

My husband still keeps those cards, even the ones from the rough years (yes, years). They mean something to him. They mean something to me, too.

We survived that rough Valentine’s Day and some painful anniversaries, too. Although I’d love to tell you we never visited the dark times again in these last 15 years, it would be a lie. We have.

I’ve since learned that every marriage has its ups and downs. That’s just normal. 🙂

So, this Valentine’s Day, my heart goes out to you, the wife who doesn’t feel like celebrating love, the wife who feels so unloved and maybe even trapped.

I know that Valentine’s Day shines a great big spotlight on your source of pain. I know you are tired of struggling in marriage and you long for just a small slice of peace in your life.

I know you often feel alone in this. And I know the loving feelings just aren’t there at the moment, as much as you wish them to be.

Take heart, lonely, wounded wife.

You are not alone! The Father has not forgotten you!

Psalm 34:17-18

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

This is just part of my story of surviving Valentine’s Day when you feel unloved… and unloving. I hope you’ll join us for Part 2 in which I share six practical tips for stirring up love when marriage just plain stinks.

Until then,

Jen 🙂

This post is an excerpt from the book, Hope for the Hurting Wife: 30 Days of Encouragement for Your Marriage by Rebekah Hallberg and Jen Stults.

6 Ways to Stir Up Love in a Difficult Marriage

How to Love When You Feel Unloved

Through My Grace-colored Glasses

It Was Ugly

Sharing this post with: Tell His Story, Wedded Wednesay, Wifey Wednesdays, Wholehearted Wednesdays, Grace and Truth, Unite, Titus 2 Tuesdays, Making Your Home Sing Monday, The Homemaking Party

Welcome to the New Christian Living Link-up ~ #GraceTruth

January 16, 2015 by stultsmamaof4 6 Comments

I’m beyond excited to introduce you all to something that has been in the works for several weeks now. Faithful readers and Lofter buddies know that we’ve hosted a link-up called #TheLoft for some months now. Recently our hosting group was offered an opportunity to merge with quite a few other like-minded faith bloggers in a new, bigger weekly link-up. Although we’re sad to lose a little of the intimacy that a smaller group allows for, we are enthusiastic about the opportunities this new link-up brings for all faith bloggers.

So, without further ado, I invite you to join us for Grace & Truth, a weekly Christian link-up!

Jen 🙂

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I become task-oriented rather than people-oriented, a slave to the to-do list rather than a Spirit-led woman.

Thus, ezer refers to the warrior aspect of God’s character – the One who fights on our behalf, our Shield and Defender, our Rescue.

The secret to being a warrior wife lies in our perspective.

You were created for this and in Christ, you are equipped for this.

Recommended resources for being a warrior wife:

God and I have had some intense heart-to-heart conversations as I’ve struggled through the “for worse” parts of my marriage vows.

Praying opens doors I’ve slammed shut in my own heart and brings the necessary change to forgive.

After nearly seventeen years of marriage, I’m learning that a well-timed prayer does infinitely more good than any words I have to speak to my husband.

So, for those interested in the course, be sure to type in code JS10 to receive your discount!

How to Trust God with Your Marriage

*Being Confident of This makes use of affiliate links. To find out more about affiliate links, please visit the About page. Additionally, a free copy of this book was provided for review purposes. However, all opinions are my own and I have not been compensated in any way for them.

Enter to win a free copy of Every Wife’s Choice!

I’ve been enslaved by his words before, but last night was different.

That’s when I saw Perfectionism for what he was – one part self, one part Satan.

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6 Ways to Stir Up Love in a Difficult Marriage

My friends, there is an indescribable comfort in realizing that your marriage problems are not unique.

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**Thus, ezer refers to the warrior aspect of God’s character – the One who fights on our behalf, our Shield and Defender, our Rescue.**

Satisfaction Through Christ
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER |G+

Kaylene Yoder
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | G+

The Brown Tribe
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | G+

Arabah Joy
BLOG | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | PINTEREST | G+

A Divine Encounter
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | G+ | STUMBLEUPON

Being Confident of This
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | G+

Busy Being Blessed
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | G+

Sharing Redemption’s Stories
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | G+

Satisfaction Through Christ
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER |G+

Kaylene Yoder
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | G+

The Brown Tribe
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | G+

A Virtuous Woman
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | INSTAGRAM

Arabah Joy
BLOG | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | PINTEREST | G+

A Divine Encounter
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | G+ | STUMBLEUPON

Leah Adams
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | INSTAGRAM

Being Confident of This
BLOG | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST | TWITTER | G+

Busy Being Blessed
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Sharing Redemption’s Stories
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