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Being Confident Of This

Grace for the work-in-progress woman

The Secret to Being a Warrior Wife

April 28, 2016 by jstults 14 Comments

He shuffled into the living room, shoulders slumped, and with a great sigh lowered himself to the couch.  His clothes bore the marks of a man who worked hard for a living.

He could barely meet my gaze, as if he were somehow lacking or not enough.  I knew he needed my compassion and encouragement, but instead of sympathy, I felt only frustration.

After all, I thought, I’m working hard in this season, too. I’m weary, too. What do I have left to offer? It feels like too much, and I have nothing left to give.

Besides, he’s a grown man. I’m busy caring for children and our home all day long, on top of the demands of work and ministry roles that I am responsible for. If I can keep myself going, why can’t he keep himself going?

And just like that I missed the opportunity to be a warrior wife.

Have you ever been so caught up in the busyness and stress of life that you forget who you are or who you were created to be, friend?

Especially as a writer and pastor’s wife, I struggle with balancing my family and home life with the demands of ministry life. Without realizing it, I begin to neglect important relationships because I’m “just so busy.”

I become task-oriented rather than people-oriented, a slave to the to-do list rather than a Spirit-led woman.

And it’s downright frustrating how quickly and easily I slip into this mode of doing rather than being!

We get so caught up in busy schedules and who we think we are supposed to be that we forget our primary purpose. Don't make the mistake of leaving your husband without the helper he really needs. Being a warrior wife is not just a role... The Secret to being a Warrior Wife

At a recent women’s conference, I received a wake-up call from the Lord. One speaker in particular, Dana James, reminded us of who we are created to be as daughters of the one true King in relation to our husbands.

My friend Dana shared with us that God designed us to be “helpers” from the very beginning.

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ ” Gen. 2:18

Yes, I know we’ve all heard this verse before. Our job is to help, right? That’s our God-given “role,” right?

Wrong!

Dana drew our attention to the original language, which uses the Hebrew word ezer (pronounced ay-zer).  The word ezer is used 21 times in the Old Testament, but the majority of those uses are in reference to God himself, His character.  In such cases, the word ezer is used in connection with words like shield, sword, deliverer, mighty, and hope.

 Thus, ezer refers to the warrior aspect of God’s character – the One who fights on our behalf, our Shield and Defender, our Rescue.

As I looked further into the meanings attached to this word and its definitions, I found connotations of assistance or aid, especially in times of suffering or distress.  It means relief given to someone in need, removing or reducing something that is painful, unpleasant, or even oppressive!

And this very same word ezer is used to describe a helper suitable for Adam.

Do you see what this means for us, my sisters in Christ?

 

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When the Lord God chose to create woman, He instilled in her very character the properties of this ezer. He created us to be warrior women, warrior wives, who will bravely fight spiritual battles on behalf of our husbands, who will provide aid and relief to the men in our lives who are worn down and discouraged by the demands of this earthly life.

Here’s the rub: I think we all know this intuitively and most of us truly desire to live this out.

But sometimes it feels like a whole lot of work that we have no strength to do, doesn’t it?

So when I saw my hard-working husband down and out on a day when I was already in that weighed-down place myself, I chose to look the other way. I chose to put my needs first.

I left him without his ezer, his helper.

It was a selfish choice that I’m ashamed to say I make often when I’m already stressed.  And I wonder, why do I make this choice?  What is it that feels so hard about being a warrior wife? What secret am I missing?

The secret to being a warrior wife lies in our perspective.

“It’s who we are, not a role we play!” ~ Dana James

When I see being a warrior wife as a job I need to do, it’s easy for me to let it slide on the days when I’m worn out or discouraged. It’s easy for me to call it “too hard.”  But when I see being a warrior wife as part of my very identity, as a reflection of God’s character that comes not from trying harder, but from yielding to the Spirit, then I’m left with no excuses.

It is who I am called to be in Christ, and it’s who you are called to be in Christ, too, friend. Don’t leave your husband without the helper he really needs.

You were created for this and in Christ, you are equipped for this.

Let’s be warrior wives who fight the right kind of battles, not against our husbands, but for them.

Let’s do battle on our knees and in our war rooms against the real enemy.

Let’s choose to aid rather than to ignore.

Be an ezer. Fight!

Jen 🙂

~ This devotional is an excerpt from the book, Hope for the Hurting Wife by Rebekah Hallberg and Jen Stults.

*This post contains affiliate links. For more information on Being Confident of This’s affiliate policy, please visit the home page here. Thank you for helping to support this site!

 

Marriage is worth fighting for! Don't fall for the lies of the world and the Enemy that it's easier to just give up. Use this marriage devotional to turn to God and invite Him to be the solution to your marriage problems. Be a Warrior Wife! #marriage #book #devotional #encouragement

 

Inspiration for this devotional came from Dana James’s talk “Being a Very Strong Helper” at Tranfsormed 2016 (Central Conference) and was used with permission from Dana.  If you’d like to connect more with Dana, she writes at The Prime Rib, a website for minister’s wives in Tennessee.

For a practical take on how to encourage a discouraged husband (and how NOT to), try this one from Club 31 Women.

Recommended resources for being a warrior wife:

 


Sharing with: Grace and Truth

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: Christian living, Christian Marriage, Christian Women, helper, Husband, warrior wife

3 Ways to Calm Your Emotions ~ Before They Ruin Your Marriage

April 25, 2016 by jstults 5 Comments

Have you ever looked at your marriage and wondered what has happened? Have you been completely dissatisfied with the state of everything? Have you gone so far as to maybe even ponder divorce?

You’re not alone.

I know that as a culture, we tend to keep doing what we do, so long as it is beneficial to us in some way. But when we turn that corner where we feel it is no longer beneficial, we’re quick to throw it away – whether it’s an old book that our kids have outgrown, a faulty appliance, broken furniture, and even our marriage.

I wrote about the day I took my ring off, and I’ve been open with struggles in my own marriage. It’s hard to want to stay, to want to work things out, when the struggles seem too big.

Fear can play a major role in trying to work through our problems. We fear more pain, rejection, we even fear other people finding out about our troubles. Fear can truly mess us up in our day to day lives.

But there is something that can add fuel to fear’s fire and really make matters seem worse than they need to be.

Our emotions.

I’ve found that when my emotions run wild, the fear flares up. When the fear seems out of control, everything seems impossible. So to quiet the fear, I have to calm the emotions.

Here are 3 ways to calm your emotions.

I've found that when my emotions run wild, the fear flares up. When the fear seems out of control, everything seems impossible. So to quiet the fear, I have to calm the emotions. Here are 3 ways to calm your emotions.

1. REST

I’ve found that my emotions are the most difficult to control when I’m tired. No matter how hard I try to keep things in check, every little issue seems more magnified when I’m tired. I try to deny the tiredness and convince myself that the problem truly is just that big.

Lately I’ve gone back to intentionally lying down on a Sunday afternoon. I don’t always sleep, but I do intentionally give my body a bit of a break. Funny how we have to be so intentional about these things, isn’t it?

One time, early in my marriage, I was having trouble sleeping – or maybe adjusting to another body in the bed. My husband suggested sleeping with a Bible under my pillow, which I did. I was able to fall right to sleep and I slept very well. I’ve gone back to that practice from time to time, as the need presents itself. There’s something special about having God’s Word close to our minds while we sleep.

2. WORSHIP MUSIC

Ready for a bit of honesty here? This one is the hardest for me. Yup. This is where it becomes a battle of the will.

See, once I realize that my emotions are the problem, therefore, that I’m the problem (or at least a part of the problem), I don’t want to have to own up to it. I don’t want to be accountable for what I’ve contributed to the situation. I want to push the blame to anyone else.

It’s become a heart issue by this point – one that I don’t want to deal with.

I have to physically choose to turn on the music, put in the earbuds, and let God’s Word sink into my heart through worship songs.

I don’t have any particular favorites. It seems each time I listen, there are songs with lyrics geared specifically to what I need to hear. I love how God does that!

3. TIME WITH GOD

I often go to a favorite Scripture and just meditate on that. I read the verses around my favorites, to try to understand the context, to try to get a little more out of the passage. But I meditate on verses that have strengthened my heart previously, that have helped me find rest, that have provided the assurance that I need.

Just a few of my favorites:
Psalm 71:14, Jude 24-25, Revelation 12:11, Isaiah 61, Isaiah 43:1.

There are many others – I’d love to hear some of your favorite go-to verses for when you’re needing to refocus.

I have a few books that are easy-reading, that help me to rest and quiet my heart, but also remind me that my time right then is dedicated to focusing on God.

The first is called An Angel, A Miracle, or Simply God at Work? It’s the true stories of a missionary, shared in an easy-to-read manner. He shares the stories, shares God’s work through the stories, and leaves it up to you as to what you would call it – intervention from an angel? a true miracle? or simply God at work in our world today?

The next is called When Words Won’t Come and this one is rather new to me. I’m still reading through it, but I’ve been so blessed by it. The author provides a short Scripture and just a few, small thoughts to meditate on. This book has been a tremendous blessing on the days when I’ve faced difficulty or have struggled to keep going.

These 3 ways to calm your emotions are easy to do, but can provide so much heart-relief. There are plenty of other great ways to regain control of wild emotions – a walk, quiet time by a fire, a favorite hot drink on a cool evening, time talking with a friend.

I’ve found that once I quiet my emotions, then the fear settles and it’s easier to face the realities of the situation for what they are – not for the blown-out-of-proportion image that my emotions have made them to be.

I’d love to hear how you purposefully quiet your emotions to regain control of a seemingly out-of-control situation. I pray these 3 tips are a blessing to you!

Blessings!

-Rebekah
Rebekah M. Hallberg

Rebekah has been completely overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of the Lord in her life. He has proven His faithfulness in every area of her life, especially in her marriage. She has come to understand the power of redemption and God’s work in her own marriage. Her goal is to be Sharing Redemption’s Stories – encouraging wives who are praying for redemption in their marriage.

 

 

Sharing with: Grace and Truth

Filed Under: Christianity, Marriage Tagged With: calming your emotions, Christian living, Christian Women, Emotions, Husband, Marriage, overcoming fear, Wife

Learning to Recognize Progress Can Save Your Marriage

February 8, 2016 by jstults 1 Comment

Believe it or not, the whole fight started over a pile of clean laundry.  We had just finished family fun night with our children, an evening of homemade, personalized pizzas and fun games and silly antics. After tucking the kids into bed, we were ready for some relaxation, some time to cuddle in front of our recent Netflix favorite.

But as we entered the bedroom, there it sat – a large pile of clean laundry just waiting to be folded.

I sighed.

I hadn’t meant to leave it there all day, but like most moms, I just got busy meeting all. the. needs.  So there it sat, and as I flopped down to fold it, I spotted The Face, you know- the one that means your husband is a little miffed even if he doesn’t say anything.

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Instead of following my better judgment and ignoring The Face, I immediately took offense.

Why in the world should he get mad at me – at least having laundry on the bed means that we actually have some clean laundry, which is no small feat after the week I’ve had!  He should be happy that I managed to squeeze in a few loads here and there today. It’s not like I’m the only one in this house capable of folding laundry, anyways!

He should be thanking me!  

Am I right, ladies?!

Of course, that line of self-righteous thinking led to an ill-timed argument, and what could have been a beautiful end to the day quickly degenerated into angry words and hurt feelings…

To find out how learning to recognize progress can save your marriage, join me over at my friend Becky’s blog for the rest of the story!

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: Christian living, difficult marriage, Hope, Husband, Marriage, marriage encouragement, save your marriage, troubled marriage, Wife, work in progress

How to Trust God With Your Marriage

August 15, 2015 by jstults 3 Comments

Sometimes trusting God with your marriage is just plain hard!  Our men go through tough times and so do we.  Maybe there has been a breach of trust, or maybe you’re both caught in the midst of a painful trial.

Maybe you’ve simply grown apart.

Whatever the case may be, trusting our husbands isn’t always foremost in our minds.

The hard part about being married to an imperfect man is that we are called to trust him and submit to him anyways, even:

  • When he forgets to pay bills
  • When he breaks a promise
  • When he grows depressed
  • When he acts irresponsibly
  • When he acts unloving
  • When he runs from God like Jonah

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Do you find that challenging?

Because I certainly do!

When I see evidence that my husband is really struggling in his faith and not walking well with the Lord, I begin to question his judgement and leadership for our family.

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That slippery slope of distrust quickly leads straight to disrespect if I don’t catch it in time.

How to Trust God with Your Marriage

Join me over at my friend Starla’s place for the rest of this piece on learning to trust God by trusting our husbands!  It’s my contribution to her awesome 31 Days of Trusting God series. 🙂

Click the picture below to read!

Failing to trust your husband is really failing to trust God. It's a hard pill to swallow sometimes, I know!  Read here to learn how to trust God with your marriage!

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: Christian living, Christian Marriage, Christian Women, how to trust, Husband, Marriage, Trust, trust my husband, Wife

Every Wife’s Choice Review

July 28, 2015 by jstults 16 Comments

 

*Being Confident of This makes use of affiliate links. To find out more about affiliate links, please visit the About page.  Additionally, a free copy of this book was provided for review purposes. However, all opinions are my own and I have not been compensated in any way for them.

From the very first lines of Sarah Fairchild’s new release, Every Wife’s Choice, I knew this book had the potential to powerfully impact women, especially those in modern marriages.

Every Wife’s Choice: Loving beyond the mood of the moment speaks to the current culture of do what feels good for you and the selfish human tendency to look out for our own interests.

I’ll be honest; as a woman, even a Christian woman, my emotions often dictate my behavior if I allow them to.  So stressful moments with my mate are compounded by the fact that emotions come into play and cloud my thinking.

That’s why Fairchild’s book is so important for wives!

“Sure, love is patient, but how do I choose patience in the midst of emotional turmoil? When frustration boils over into meltdown mode how do I release those pent up feelings and act patiently instead?  Love  is kind, but where do I draw the line before my heart begins to feel like a doormat?  

I needed more than pretty cliche’s. I needed practical answers.” ~Sarah Fairchild 

More than obvious cliche’s or trite sayings, Every Wife’s Choice delves into Greek word study to discover the significance of the First Corinthians love passage and apply that knowledge to everyday life in a practical yet biblical way.

 

Newly released, Every Wife's Choice by Sarah Fairchild teaches women to move beyond the "mood of the momen" so they can love their husbands God's Way. Combing personal anecdotes with Greek word study, the author focuses on the First Corinthians love passage that is so familiar to us all.  After in depth study, readers will learn to apply new insights in very practical yet biblical ways!

From chapter one, it’s clear to readers that the foundation for Every Wife’s Choice comes straight from the Gospel itself. The mercy and grace shown to us by a loving Father is what empowers us wives to choose to agape love despite what we are feeling in the moment!

“Jesus never asks us to do more than He has already done, however, and He understands exactly what it means to love an enemy.

After all, He loves us…” ~ Sarah Fairchild

That’s why I wholeheartedly recommend Every Wife’s Choice for women from every walk of life.

In fact, the application of the Greek word study contained in this book reaches beyond marriage, beyond women, and to all Christ-followers. It’s themes are universal!

Although this study comes from a marriage perspective, the information contained is applicable to all women (and even men) desiring to love others as Christ loves us.

It doesn’t hurt that Fairchild’s book is full of humorous anecdotes from her own life, either! The chapter titled “Till Dogs Do Us Part” had me giggling all the way through yet the humor did not distract from her important message.

Fairchild’s easy style and quick humor remove any potential dryness that some readers might find in a typical Greek word study.  And although the author’s approach is academic in nature, her effective use of story-telling sets readers at ease.

Every Wife's Choice by Sarah Fairchild teaches women how to choose love in spite of our fickle moods.  Combining humorous anecdotes with Greek word study, the author leads women to understand how to overcome the "mood of the moment."  Her applications of the First Corinthians love passage are both practical and biblical!

Each chapter of Every Wife’s Choice builds on the previous, just as each attribute of love described by Paul in the First Corinthians passage builds on the previous one.  Such scaffolding of knowledge and application are aptly described by the author in the final pages:

“There is a Rock upon which we can build our love, brick by brick, choice by choice.” ~ Sarah Fairchild

Thus, Every Wife’s Choice is clearly a book for all wives:

~ the newly married wife

~ the fifty-years-in wife

~ the struggling wife

~ the happy wife looking to keep her marriage strong

“[Agape] love enables us to give ourselves fully to the marriage we’re in, whether it’s the marriage we dreamt about or a painful work in progress.” ~ Sarah Fairchild

Fairchild’s aim throughout is to free wives from the tight grip of emotions so that we can become the wives God intended us to be, wives who reflect His heart for others.

What better way to learn to be a godly wife than to study His Holy Word?

You’ve read many a time here on Being Confident of This that we are work-in-progress women. Perhaps that is what I love most about Fairchild’s book –  she recognizes the work-in-progress nature of married life.

And she anchors the hope of progress firmly in our Lord.

Now, who wants to win a free copy??! 🙂

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Keep the up the good work-in-progress, friends!

Jen 🙂

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: Bible study, Christian Marriage, First Corinthians, happy marriage, how to love, Husband, Imperfect Marriage, Imperfect Progress, Marriage, struggling marriage, the Love passage, Wife

How to Love When You Feel Unloved

October 2, 2013 by stultsmamaof4 47 Comments

In the spirit of truth-sharing, I’ll tell you that being the wife I am called to be is my weak area, my Achilles heel. I never feel so much like Paul in Romans 7, battling with the flesh, as when marital issues arise. How can I love my husband when I myself feel unloved?

Often Satan and sin have me so ensnared that I even become confused as to what “right” really is.

Like many married couples, we tend to get caught up in the cycle of an argument that’s been played out time and time again.  And that can be so frustrating!

Revisiting those same issues makes us feel like failures, trapped by the past, stalled in our progress.

But I’m not satisfied with a marriage that’s merely okay, and I mean that in the best of ways, I really do.  I desperately want to grow ever closer to the type of intimacy God intended for us  to experience as man and wife.

I don’t want to be fatalistic or resigned in my outlook, even though I may feel that way at times.  Because if I settle for “this is as good as it gets,” then where is my hope in the God who transforms souls, including my own?

Marriage is hard work, just like parenting is hard work.  If it were easy, we would not be challenged to grow!

Marriage teaches me things about myself that I loathe: how selfish I am, how easily offended, how weak and needy.  But unless I see the truth of where I stand, what chance do I have to move on from that spot?

When Marriage is Difficult

By far the most difficult times in our marriage occur when we are both bearing unusual burdens that slowly wear us down, burdens like extended illness, or financial stress, or parenting issues, or major decisions, or unpredictable catastrophes.

We’re both weak.

We’re both worn and frayed.

We’re both longing for rest.

You’ve been there before, I’m sure – those times in life when you both feel like you need a good long vacation from reality.

As much as I’d like to blame our marital strife on my husband’s inadequacies, I know the issues at hand aren’t his alone.  We’re called to be sacrificial in our love for one another, but when I’m already at the end of my rope, I often feel there is nothing left to give.

I become selfish;

I withhold kindness.

I justify: how can I love when I feel unloved?

How can I lift my husband up when I can barely lift myself up, Father?

How can I?

I’m certain I’m not alone in this desire we wives have to be rescued by our husbands when the going gets tough.

*This post makes use of affiliate links. For more information, please visit the Being Confident of This homepage. Thank you for helping to support this blog!


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This desire to have men of strength come charging in to save the day. This desire to let ourselves be the weak ones for once.  This desire to feel protected and cherished and cared for.

Because for all of our outward strength, we women often harbor needs that remain hidden.

The Problem – When You Feel Unloved

The problem is that in wishing my husband would take on that role of Rescuer, I’m asking him to fill a space only our Father God can truly fill.

When I ask my husband to fill up that empty space, I’m asking to be disappointed.

My husband is imperfect.  Sometimes he lets me down, as I do him. Sometimes he needs a Rescuer just as I do.  Sometimes he is weak.  He is only human after all.  My desire for him to be what even I cannot is quite unfair, isn’t it?

I’ll be honest. As a busy mom of four, I wrestle with this idea that God should be my sole supply. After all, God cannot help with the bedtime routine or sweep the kitchen or sign permissions slips or pay the bills, at least not in a physical sense.

I wrestle, too, with feelings of disappointment and unkind thoughts toward a husband whom I truly wish to respect.

So, how can I love my husband when I feel unloved?

How can I be so filled with the Spirit, so filled with the Father’s love for my husband, that I have a constant and abundant supply to give?

 

Honestly, I have no clear answers.

I have only ideas, inklings of what it takes.

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Prayer would be a good start – telling God where I’m really at, even if it’s ugly.  Letting Him know how unfair it feels, how I feel unloved, how hurt I am, how afraid.  Asking Him to bring light to the Enemy’s lies, lies about how it will never change, about how it never has changed, about how you’re stuck.

They are Satan’s favorite lies. You’re trapped in this loveless marriage forever! He’s unfair!  He doesn’t appreciate you!  You shouldn’t have to put up with this!

Praying for supernatural intervention certainly helps!  God can change my husband’s heart, as well as my own, quicker than an hours-long “discussion.”  He can give me a supernatural love for my man, something that is not naturally “in me,” especially when I feel unloved.

The Father can melt my stubbornness, soothe my anger, hold my hurt, and forgive my sin, too.

He can also help me see the truth in the situation and  who my husband is in the Father’s eyes, a dearly beloved son. He can remind me of how big my husband’s shoes are, how broad his shoulders.  He can help me see clearly the load that often sits there and understand why my man sometimes stumbles beneath it.

When I see that truth, who my husband really, truly is at heart, I’m overwhelmed by compassion and ashamed by my traitorous thoughts.

I may not feel any stronger. I may still desperately need rescuing.  I may even carry wounds from the wrestling.

The Solution

But at last I see that we two are the same: lonely, weary hearts in search of love and acceptance and a Rescuer.

You’re tired?  Me, too.  

You want to escape from life right now?  Me, too.  

You feel inadequate?  Me, too.

You hurt?  Me, too.

Instead of being angry with my hubby for failing to rescue me, we can turn hand in hand to the Father, the One who rescues us both.

 

Love between a husband and wife needs to be sacrificial in nature, but the world tells us to put "me" first. How can we love when we feel so unloved ourselves? How can we keep going when it seems easier to give up? A little advice from a wife who understands such struggles yet believes in Hope.

This is how we love, friends,

                                           by gazing into the face of Love Himself.

I’m not trying to make it sound simple or easy because I know how difficult it is to choose love when the world tells us it’s easier to give up and call it quits.

We can choose to love even when we feel unloved because Jesus did.

Greater Love has no man than this…

And so we stand, my husband and I, in the face of Perfect Love.

Side by side.

Fear washed away.

Compassion in our eyes.

Forgiveness on our faces.

Wearing our Grace-colored glasses because we serve the God of all Hope!

We’re merely works in progress here on Earth.

But we are not alone.

And this is not our home.

Jen 🙂

 

Find more great posts on marriage here:

 

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This devotional is an excerpt from the book Hope for the Hurting Wife. Want more of what you just read? Sign up below for more free chapters!

Does your marriage feel like a lot of hard work lately? Do you need encouragement to hold on? Get your free sample chapters of Hope for the Hurting Wife, a new devotional written by two women who have lived through the tough years of marriage. This biblically-based devotional contains practical advice and encouragement for all wives!

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Filed Under: Christianity, Marriage, Women of Faith Tagged With: difficult marriage, difficult relationships, Emotions, feeling unloved, Forgiveness, Hope, how to love, hurting marriage, Husband, love, Marriage, relationship, struggling marriage, Wife

Hi, I'm Jen: a work in progress. I'm imperfect - a mom of four, pastor's wife, discipler, and sinner saved only by grace. I like to sing, read, write, teach, and smile. I have a heart for encouraging women everywhere to understand God's limitless love for them and what His grace means for everyday living. Welcome! :) Read More…

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jstults[at]beingconfidentofthis[dot]com

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Hope for the Hurting Wife: 30 Days of Practical Encouragement for Your Marriage.   marriage book|difficult marriage|husband|wife|hard times in marriage|marriage encouragement

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New devotional release from Jen Stults - Being Confident of This: 30 Days to Discovering Your Identity in Christ. This book is for every Christian woman who wants to walk in confident faith instead of struggling with doubt, fear, and insecurity! self-esteem | self-confidence | self-help | motivational | personal growth | spiritual growth | how to be more confident | Christian women | devotional | Bible study | identity in Christ | superwoman myth | being like Mary

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