how to love Archives | Being Confident Of This

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From the very first lines of Sarah Fairchild’s new release, Every Wife’s Choice, I knew this book had the potential to powerfully impact women, especially those in modern marriages.

Every Wife’s Choice: Loving beyond the mood of the moment speaks to the current culture of do what feels good for you and the selfish human tendency to look out for our own interests.

I’ll be honest; as a woman, even a Christian woman, my emotions often dictate my behavior if I allow them to. So stressful moments with my mate are compounded by the fact that emotions come into play and cloud my thinking.

That’s why Fairchild’s book is so important for wives!

“Sure, love is patient, but how do I choose patience in the midst of emotional turmoil? When frustration boils over into meltdown mode how do I release those pent up feelings and act patiently instead? Love is kind, but where do I draw the line before my heart begins to feel like a doormat?

I needed more than pretty cliche’s. I needed practical answers.” ~Sarah Fairchild

More than obvious cliche’s or trite sayings, Every Wife’s Choice delves into Greek word study to discover the significance of the First Corinthians love passage and apply that knowledge to everyday life in a practical yet biblical way.

From chapter one, it’s clear to readers that the foundation for Every Wife’s Choice comes straight from the Gospel itself. The mercy and grace shown to us by a loving Father is what empowers us wives to choose to agape love despite what we are feeling in the moment!

“Jesus never asks us to do more than He has already done, however, and He understands exactly what it means to love an enemy.

After all, He loves us…” ~ Sarah Fairchild

That’s why I wholeheartedly recommend Every Wife’s Choice for women from every walk of life.

In fact, the application of the Greek word study contained in this book reaches beyond marriage, beyond women, and to all Christ-followers. It’s themes are universal!

Although this study comes from a marriage perspective, the information contained is applicable to all women (and even men) desiring to love others as Christ loves us.

It doesn’t hurt that Fairchild’s book is full of humorous anecdotes from her own life, either! The chapter titled “Till Dogs Do Us Part” had me giggling all the way through yet the humor did not distract from her important message.

Fairchild’s easy style and quick humor remove any potential dryness that some readers might find in a typical Greek word study. And although the author’s approach is academic in nature, her effective use of story-telling sets readers at ease.

Each chapter of Every Wife’s Choice builds on the previous, just as each attribute of love described by Paul in the First Corinthians passage builds on the previous one. Such scaffolding of knowledge and application are aptly described by the author in the final pages:

“There is a Rock upon which we can build our love, brick by brick, choice by choice.” ~ Sarah Fairchild

Thus, Every Wife’s Choice is clearly a book for all wives:

~ the newly married wife

~ the fifty-years-in wife

~ the struggling wife

~ the happy wife looking to keep her marriage strong

“[Agape] love enables us to give ourselves fully to the marriage we’re in, whether it’s the marriage we dreamt about or a painful work in progress.” ~ Sarah Fairchild

Fairchild’s aim throughout is to free wives from the tight grip of emotions so that we can become the wives God intended us to be, wives who reflect His heart for others.

What better way to learn to be a godly wife than to study His Holy Word?

You’ve read many a time here on Being Confident of This that we are work-in-progress women. Perhaps that is what I love most about Fairchild’s book – she recognizes the work-in-progress nature of married life.

And she anchors the hope of progress firmly in our Lord.

Now, who wants to win a free copy??! 🙂

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Keep the up the good work-in-progress, friends!

Jen 🙂

Sharing with: Grace and Truth
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In the spirit of truth-sharing, I’ll tell you that being the wife I am called to be is my weak area, my Achilles heel. I never feel so much like Paul in Romans 7, battling with the flesh, as when marital issues arise. How can I love my husband when I myself feel unloved?

Often Satan and sin have me so ensnared that I even become confused as to what “right” really is.

Like many married couples, we tend to get caught up in the cycle of an argument that’s been played out time and time again. And that can be so frustrating!

Revisiting those same issues makes us feel like failures, trapped by the past, stalled in our progress.

But I’m not satisfied with a marriage that’s merely okay, and I mean that in the best of ways, I really do. I desperately want to grow ever closer to the type of intimacy God intended for us to experience as man and wife.

I don’t want to be fatalistic or resigned in my outlook, even though I may feel that way at times. Because if I settle for “this is as good as it gets,” then where is my hope in the God who transforms souls, including my own?

Marriage is hard work, just like parenting is hard work. If it were easy, we would not be challenged to grow!

Marriage teaches me things about myself that I loathe: how selfish I am, how easily offended, how weak and needy. But unless I see the truth of where I stand, what chance do I have to move on from that spot?

When Marriage is Difficult

By far the most difficult times in our marriage occur when we are both bearing unusual burdens that slowly wear us down, burdens like extended illness, or financial stress, or parenting issues, or major decisions, or unpredictable catastrophes.

We’re both weak.

We’re both worn and frayed.

We’re both longing for rest.

You’ve been there before, I’m sure – those times in life when you both feel like you need a good long vacation from reality.

As much as I’d like to blame our marital strife on my husband’s inadequacies, I know the issues at hand aren’t his alone. We’re called to be sacrificial in our love for one another, but when I’m already at the end of my rope, I often feel there is nothing left to give.

I become selfish;

I withhold kindness.

I justify: how can I love when I feel unloved?

How can I lift my husband up when I can barely lift myself up, Father?

How can I?

I’m certain I’m not alone in this desire we wives have to be rescued by our husbands when the going gets tough.

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This desire to have men of strength come charging in to save the day. This desire to let ourselves be the weak ones for once. This desire to feel protected and cherished and cared for.

Because for all of our outward strength, we women often harbor needs that remain hidden.

The Problem – When You Feel Unloved

The problem is that in wishing my husband would take on that role of Rescuer, I’m asking him to fill a space only our Father God can truly fill.

When I ask my husband to fill up that empty space, I’m asking to be disappointed.

My husband is imperfect. Sometimes he lets me down, as I do him. Sometimes he needs a Rescuer just as I do. Sometimes he is weak. He is only human after all. My desire for him to be what even I cannot is quite unfair, isn’t it?

I’ll be honest. As a busy mom of four, I wrestle with this idea that God should be my sole supply. After all, God cannot help with the bedtime routine or sweep the kitchen or sign permissions slips or pay the bills, at least not in a physical sense.

I wrestle, too, with feelings of disappointment and unkind thoughts toward a husband whom I truly wish to respect.

So, how can I love my husband when I feel unloved?

How can I be so filled with the Spirit, so filled with the Father’s love for my husband, that I have a constant and abundant supply to give?

Honestly, I have no clear answers.

I have only ideas, inklings of what it takes.

Prayer would be a good start – telling God where I’m really at, even if it’s ugly. Letting Him know how unfair it feels, how I feel unloved, how hurt I am, how afraid. Asking Him to bring light to the Enemy’s lies, lies about how it will never change, about how it never has changed, about how you’re stuck.

They are Satan’s favorite lies. You’re trapped in this loveless marriage forever! He’s unfair! He doesn’t appreciate you! You shouldn’t have to put up with this!

Praying for supernatural intervention certainly helps! God can change my husband’s heart, as well as my own, quicker than an hours-long “discussion.” He can give me a supernatural love for my man, something that is not naturally “in me,” especially when I feel unloved.

The Father can melt my stubbornness, soothe my anger, hold my hurt, and forgive my sin, too.

He can also help me see the truth in the situation and who my husband is in the Father’s eyes, a dearly beloved son. He can remind me of how big my husband’s shoes are, how broad his shoulders. He can help me see clearly the load that often sits there and understand why my man sometimes stumbles beneath it.

When I see that truth, who my husband really, truly is at heart, I’m overwhelmed by compassion and ashamed by my traitorous thoughts.

I may not feel any stronger. I may still desperately need rescuing. I may even carry wounds from the wrestling.

The Solution

But at last I see that we two are the same: lonely, weary hearts in search of love and acceptance and a Rescuer.

You’re tired? Me, too.

You want to escape from life right now? Me, too.

You feel inadequate? Me, too.

You hurt? Me, too.

Instead of being angry with my hubby for failing to rescue me, we can turn hand in hand to the Father, the One who rescues us both.

This is how we love, friends,

by gazing into the face of Love Himself.

I’m not trying to make it sound simple or easy because I know how difficult it is to choose love when the world tells us it’s easier to give up and call it quits.

We can choose to love even when we feel unloved because Jesus did.

Greater Love has no man than this…

And so we stand, my husband and I, in the face of Perfect Love.

Side by side.

Fear washed away.

Compassion in our eyes.

Forgiveness on our faces.

Wearing our Grace-colored glasses because we serve the God of all Hope!

We’re merely works in progress here on Earth.

But we are not alone.

And this is not our home.

Jen 🙂

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This devotional is an excerpt from the book Hope for the Hurting Wife. Want more of what you just read? Sign up below for more free chapters!