Doubt Archives | Being Confident Of This

The Truth About a Faith That Stumbles on Water

June 2, 2016 by jstults 18 Comments

A few weeks ago I posted the verse below from Galatians 6:9 about not growing weary of doing good, which has become my anchor in this season of busy schedules and church planting challenges. It’s perfect for this season because it easily applies to every area of my life in which I desire to remain steadfast.

Do not grow weary of setting aside time to abide in the Vine.

Do not grow weary of loving and listening to my husband.

Do not grow weary of training up my children.

Do not grow weary of being a good friend and neighbor.

Do not grow weary of keeping my home tidy.

Do not grow weary of eating healthy and exercising even when….maybe especially when… the scale doesn’t budge.

Do not grow weary of…

The list could extend for pages, really.

So, I posted this verse on the blog facebook page and after seeing it there a few times, kind of forgot about it.

And wouldn’t you know that after weeks of not having a single new visitor (and very few actual attendees), we had not one… not two… but three unexpected guests last Sunday! In fact, one couple has been invited nearly every week by my persistent husband since the church plant opened way back during Easter.

There’s more. After prayer walking that same Sunday afternoon, we had almost a dozen extra visitors during our bread ministry that week and actually ran out of bread!

Do you think maybe the Lord was trying to teach us something? 😉

Here’s the thing: Sometimes we’ve prayed for something so fervently, and for so long, that we quit waiting expectantly. And then when the answer comes, when the need is met, we fail to recognize the significance.

As a daughter of the Most High, I often grow childishly impatient. I want an answer right now. I want clarity. I want an inkling of the Father’s plan. I want some sort of tangible evidence that we are on the right path.

If I’m honest, I want miracles.

And this is where I can most relate to Peter, who asked to walk on water with Jesus and then stumbled, nearly drowning in his own doubt.

Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. Mt. 14:28-29

I’m sure that first step was a mountaintop experience, a spiritual high like none other. I’m sure Peter was elated, soaring on faith-wings that yearned to stretch wider and swoop higher!

Yes, I’m doing it. I’m doing it!

I’m equally certain that the floundering steps that followed were terrifying.

Maybe it felt like too big of a leap of faith. Maybe the wind and waves increased in size and ferocity. For whatever reason, his confidence wavered.

Wait, am I really doing this? What if I can’t keep it up? What if my faith is too small?

But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” Mt. 14:30-31

What right did Peter have to walk on water in the first place?

Who was he to make such a bold request?

He was no one.

A nobody.

Yet in the eyes of Jesus, he was worth an abundant amount of time, effort, and instruction. He was worth forgiving even as he was busy betraying.

And before Jesus left this earth, He claimed His Church would be built upon Peter. Imperfect Peter with the imperfect faith (Mt. 16:18).

You see, friends, we need a faith that leaps – yes, we do, but we also need a faith that stumbles on water.

We need that sudden sinking, that floundering fear that drives us straight into the arms of our Savior. Because when we are weak, then we are strong (2 Cor. 12:10).

It’s when we begin to think that we can do it on our own, when that smidgen of self-righteousness and self-sufficiency sneaks its way in, that we should truly be frightened. That truth has never been more clear to me than these last few years of struggle.

Friends, if I only talked about the faith that leaps, I’d be remiss.

I’d be painting only half of the picture.

The truth is that these last few months have been full of walking-on-water moments followed by sudden sinking and ultimately a return to the truth that trumps all others – we need Him.

We need our Father God.

We cannot do it alone as much as our perfectionism preaches to us that we can, for even our very faith comes from the Lord and not ourselves (Eph.2:8-9).

We need to keep believing that He will “show up” for us. We need to keep waiting expectantly. We need to look for the work-in-progress He is completing in us.

So, if you’ve had some of those moments of stumbling on the water lately, take heart and look to Jesus just as Peter did.

And in the words of Toby Mac,

“Keep walkin’.”

Jen 🙂

Sharing with: Grace and Truth, Faith Filled Friday, Tell His Story

Look to Jesus: A Review (and giveaway!)

February 9, 2016 by jstults 2 Comments

If someone asked me if I trust God, I’d most likely answer yes, but I haven’t always trusted God in every circumstance. In fact, during certain trials in my life when I felt I was drowning, trust seemed very hard to come by.

I’m certain I have more lessons in trust ahead of me, too.

That’s why Dawn Klinge’s new book Look to Jesus is so important. My friend Dawn recently shared with us about how trusting Jesus is related to the joy we experience, but her book delves even more deeply into the topic of trust.

Klinge’s suggestion to trust God by looking to Jesus sounds so simple on the surface, maybe too simple. However, Klinge takes the reader on a journey to discover how looking to Jesus through various seasons of life leads to a deepening trust, one not easily shaken.

Along the way, Klinge takes time to explain basic doctrines that even seasoned believers may not fully understand, such as the Trinity. I appreciate that the author lays this groundwork because if we don’t understand God’s character or how He operates, then we don’t really know God, do we?

And if we don’t really know Him, how can we trust Him?

In the first few chapters, Klinge rightly points out that we cannot generate trust on our own. She encourages the reader to understand this truth by using her own life experiences.

“I’ve never needed to literally walk on water. But I have had storms in my life. In some of those storms, I’ve kept my eyes on Jesus and in some, I’ve looked around at my circumstances and started to sink – and I’ve called out to Jesus and he has rescued me. He wants to do the same for you.” ~Dawn Klinge, Look to Jesus (pg. 31)

But my favorite part of the book takes place in Chapter 4, when Klinge gets down to the nnitty-gritty of how we become conformed to the image of Christ, yet she also makes an important distinction between legalism and grace. It’s this grace-filled approach which permeates the book that really resonates with me!

Throughout Look to Jesus, Klinge supports her own words with a wealth of Scripture as well as well-chosen quotes from other authors and famous people from all walks of life. The reader will appreciate how the author weaves all of this knowledge into her own story of learning to trust God.

Out of all of the quotes chosen, however, the Oswald Chamber’s quote on page 58 is my favorite because it falls right in line with the purpose of this blog. The point of our faith journey is the process – the work-in-progress of being remade into His image, moment by moment, day by day.

I always enjoy a reminder of my work-in-progress status! 🙂

Another favorite moment took place in Chapter 6 when Klinge speaks to trusting God when life is hard. I applaud Klinge for being brave enough to tackle this issue by sharing from her own pain. I also agree with the author on her conclusion that pain has a purpose, one we cannot realize if we try to deny the pain of a difficult season of life.

More than that, I respect that Klinge points the reader to the truth that Jesus understands human pain because He endured pain himself! Not only does he understand our pain, He wants to sit with us in the midst of it.

What I admire most about Look to Jesus is that any person who reads through the book will find a clear presentation of the gospel and what it means for us. In the final chapter, Klinge writes:

“Think of the high price God paid for you.

You are precious to Him and it doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how terribly you’ve failed – because it’s not about you. It’s about Christ in you. How could we possibly doubt that God would ever give up on us, ever fail us, when we consider what was done to earn our place in His family.” ~ Dawn Klinge, Look to Jesus (p.95)

What better way to close than to remind us that looking to Jesus, trusting God in every circumstance, is rooted in our identity in Christ. He who paid the price for us will not turn away in our times of need!

Although the tone of this book is more conversational in nature than some readers might be used to, the nuggets of truth throughout make it a good read for anyone.

If you haven’t already read Dawn’s book, I hope you’ll take the time to do so.I have no doubt you’ll find wisdom and encouragement that applies to your life.

And if you’d like a chance to win a free copy of Dawn’s book (PDF version), be sure to enter the giveaway below!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

You can also visit Dawn at her blog, Above the Waves, where she writes on life and faith.

Because of Him,

Jen 🙂

*A proof copy of this book was kindly provided to me by the author for purposes of review. However, all opinions are my own! Also, this post makes use of affiliate links. For more information on the affiliate links used by this blog, visit Being Confident of This’s homepage.
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Trusting His Character ~ Grace and Truth Week 42

October 30, 2015 by jstults 3 Comments

Some of you are aware that my husband recently left a pastorate where we had served for 4 years, and it didn’t end well. It was one of the most difficult decisions of our married life, and a very unpopular decision in some ways, yet since then I’ve rested in the peace of knowing we made the right decision.

When this first happened, God did some amazing things for us!He provided for us in inexplicable ways – as only God’s people can do as the body of Christ.

And when we made the leap to church-planting (who? us?!), we were filled with encouragement, excited, and rearing to go.

But then some disappointments came, and church-planting ended up being a lot more difficult than we imagined. We thought we had a solid plan for how this whole thing was going to work out, but as He so often does, God quickly showed us that our ways are not His ways.

Since then we’ve been in a season of waiting.

If you follow this blog or Being Confident of This’s facebook page, then you know that discouragement hounded us for a couple of weeks. We were no longer seeing quite as much physical evidence of God’s blessing or direction.

And like so many humans, we began to doubt. An Israelite at heart, I began to complain to the Lord about our circumstances. Daily bread wasn’t enough for me; I wanted more. Thus, a spirit of discontentment invaded my soul.

Wouldn’t you know that during this time, I ran across Christi’s post three separate times?! Three! And even after reading it several times, I found new things to like about it, not just because Christi’s an excellent writer, but because the message of her post is so very true.

We hear and read a lot these days about our BIG God who encourages big “dreams” because He’s the God of the impossible.

While all of those things are true about our God, He remains true to His character and His Word even in the times when dreams don’t come true, when He doesn’t show off.

Please take a few minutes to read Christi’s post. I know you won’t be disappointed!

And for those who might be curious, we’re coming out of our little cubby of discouragement and embracing the truth that God IS who He says He is. So, we press on knowing the path He has laid before us and trusting Him to guide us each step of the way.

We’d appreciate your prayers for Montpelier Bible Church!

Thank you, friends.

Jen 🙂

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Greater Is He Who Is in Monday Morning

September 8, 2014 by stultsmamaof4 10 Comments

It’s Monday morning, that dreaded day of the week.

That day when we realize it’s back to work, back to “real” life, back to dirty dishes and school schedules and all The Things that so easily weigh us down.

But this Monday morning I sit before the computer with a big smile on my face. Why?

It’s not because of the school schedules or the housework that is waiting or even the awkwardness between my husband and I before he left for work this morning. It’s not even because this Monday morning started out oh-so-fantastic: quite the opposite, in fact.

It’s because I recognize the Enemy at work, his attempt to gain back the ground he lost on Sunday. We talked last week about verses that pack a punch and the reality of spiritual warfare.

Have you ever noticed, my friends, how unbelievably difficult a Monday seems after an incredibly encouraging Sunday?

It’s no coincidence that the reality of a Monday morning so often dampens our Sunday fire!

But today I smile in the face of everyday difficulty and Monday-morning rude awakenings because my Redeemer lives, and the battle belongs to Him! Before I could be swayed by doubts this morning, here is the goodness He had in store for me:

A reminder from my GREAT blogging friends that we are not powerless in the struggle, neither are we alone.

This beautiful prayer by Jennifer Dukes Lee, that we might keep “in step” with Him as we step into Mondays. Go read it!

This verse from Ann Voskamp, a reminder to put one foot in front of the other, to keep climbing, to persevere. Take a look for yourself at His faithfulness.

This song from Mercy Me, the song I’ve been playing on repeat either aloud or in my head ever since I received a bad-news-wake-up-call last week. It reminds me that He who is in me is greater than the one who is in the world. It gives me impossible hope in the God who specializes in the impossible.

I smile because He knows my name, He knows my pain, He knows my weakness, and He knows exactly what I need to hear on a Monday morning.

It’s like a secret message, just for me,

just for a beloved daughter,

just for my broken heart,

just for my wounded spirit.

But no, it’s for you, too, my sisters in Christ!

Just because He loves us!

Because He who is in YOU is greater than he who is in the world, friend, don’t you forget it.

He who is in you is greater than, yes, even Monday mornings.

The Enemy is prowling, but our Lord is on guard, you can be certain of that. And His witnesses proclaim His goodness for all of who feel the sting of the fiery darts this morning. He is faithful!

Ephesians 3

¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father,

¹⁵from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.

¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,

¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,

¹⁸may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people,

to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,

¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

according to his power that is at work within us,

²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Father, I thank you for being in the midst of even the smallest things, like Monday mornings. I thank you for faithful voices to remind us of Who you are, Almighty Lord, Highest Authority, One True God, yet also, the Lover of our souls. We need not be afraid, for the battle belongs to You and the victory is ours to share! Strengthen us as we wait patiently for victory, Lord. It is coming.

It is coming.

Carry that secret with you today.

Jen 🙂

Sharing with:

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Choosing the Struggle

March 2, 2014 by stultsmamaof4 39 Comments

Choose.

“Choose you this day whom you will serve…”

It’s the first thought that runs through my head. And the obvious choice. Yes, I choose Jesus. I want to serve the Father.

I want to follow hard after Him.

But some days, the choosing is a struggle, isn’t it?

The choosing is easy enough when the sun shines and the warm breeze blows and the blessings flow and joy abounds.

But what about those days when the fiery darts strike in quick succession? And just as you rise, the wind gets knocked out of you once more? Those days the choosing feels near impossible.

And that’s exactly what our Enemy wants, my work-in-progress friends, for us to feel helpless!

Incapable!

Paralyzed!

Weary!

Defeated!

We just want to cry, “mercy” and throw in the towel, admit defeat. We’re so overwhelmed by the struggle that we have little left to give.

Those lies about our failings will carry us right away if we let them, won’t they? Carry us right away into a sea of despair, a void of apathy, a pit of depression.

What if we choose the struggle instead, friends?

In those times when we can’t find it in ourselves to choose joy, when we can’t count our blessings for the crashing waves before us, when we feel incapable of making a choice at all, maybe it’s enough just to choose the struggle.

Even though we may not be winning, we choose fighting the good fight. We don’t give up, we don’t give in. Even though we fear defeat, even though we falter for a step or two, or even a mile or more, we choose to press on.

What if we throw off the chains of perfection and choose instead the road of imperfect progress?Maybe even some days that road looks less like progress and more like a struggle for simple survival.

Those are the days we count it a victory just to finish out with our faith still intact.

“And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”

Hebrews 11:6

So we fight by faith!

By faith, we wait on the Lord.

By faith, we cling to the promise of grace and we seek His face.

By faith, we choose the struggle, day after day after day.

And some days, that’s the best choice we can possibly make.

Let’s choose it together, friends.

It’s the choice that leads to victory!

Jen 🙂

Sharing with #TheLoft and Grace and Truth.

While Sea Billows Roll: Waiting on the Lord

September 13, 2013 by stultsmamaof4 32 Comments

It’s more than a bad hair day and more than spilled milk. It’s one of “those” days, the ones you really do weep over, when wave after wave of some trial (new or old) sweeps over you as you struggle just to keep your head above water.

And just as you gain your feet, another waves swells up before you. In the midst of such trials, we can do little else than cry out for mercy, for deliverance.

Sometimes “those” days last longer than just a day or two, or even a week. Sometimes, we experience whole seasons of “those” days, whole seasons of trial, and illness, and heartache. Whole seasons of waiting on the Lord.

If you read regularly here, you know our family has been in the midst of such a season for a while now. I’ve been wanting to share with you all some of my “discussions” with the Lord about this spot He has us in, but I’ve honestly been confused about the message He’s trying to give me.

I don’t want to wallow in self-pity, but I do want to allow myself the grace to rest and recover when needed. I want to keep using those Grace-colored glasses He’s been teaching me about.

You see, it’s not just the practical and physical difficulties of a trial that make life on one of those days oh-so-difficult, but it’s the emotions that come along for the ride, too. I’m frustrated by the condition of my physical body and even by the condition of my fragile emotions. I’m feeling guilty that I cannot do the things I normally do, nor fill the roles I normally fill – mom, wife, friend, leader.

What I really wanted to give you was a how-to post: how to survive when Mom can’t be mom, but this is what came out instead…

How to Survive While You Are Waiting on the Lord

I do have a few ideas about that one, a few tips the Lord has been helping me with.

1. For instance, He’s been telling me to lower my expectations.

So what if the twins watch an extra hour of cartoons? So what if beds go unmade and the soccer shirts aren’t clean on game day? If at the of the day, we’re all fed and alive, then we’re surviving!

2. What about Teamwork – be a team with your spouse? Yes, that’s a good tip, too.

When I feel overwhelmed by circumstances in life, I often fight against my husband instead of with him. In return, I reap the added burden of marital strife to an already trying situation. So, teamwork is good, blaming my husband for my own limitations and frustrations is bad. Okay, I got that. 🙂

3. Resist Satan’s Lies – tip number three.

Of course, I know that in spite of my guilty feelings, I’m doing the best I can and that’s enough for the Lord. Of course I know that He promises to be my Deliverer.

But sometimes I just don’t want to wait for deliverance. I’d rather try to fix it myself, right?

Are you with me here?

4. Lean on the Lord for both physical and emotional strength. That’s another good one, right?

Chin up, soldier because God is on your side. If God is for us, who can be against us? I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And all of the other platitudes we like to sprinkle about when someone is suffering a trial.

The Problem with Christian Platitudes for Those Who Are Waiting on the Lord

These statements and verses are all true – they really are -but sometimes they do little to comfort the weary soul.

Sometimes… instead of lifting us up, those verses and sayings make us feel like crummy Christians.

Because if I’m not “counting it all joy” every single day of this trial, then I’m once again failing somehow, am I not?

And what about “count your blessings,” which goes right along with “think of those less fortunate”? You know some days that really works for me. Most of the time, I can see all of the good things around me that the Lord has blessed me with. I can find the silver linings. I know that my temporary suffering pales in the face of what others have gone through before me, namely Jesus.

But other days I can count my blessings, think of others, and still feel frail. Some days I know I’m not clinging to joy, I’m not embracing peace, because I have no strength left to do so!

So while I sit and think on all of these good things I feel I should be doing to try to help myself in this season of trial, the waves grow all the stronger and more ominous around me.

Crashing, crashing, always crashing, this storm in my soul.

I feel like Jacob, wrestling with the Lord, and I wonder, what’s wrong with me?

Why can I not seem to overcome? Am I not obedient enough? Not trusting enough? Not hopeful enough? Have I sinned in some way I’m not aware of?

A Changed Perspective on Waiting on the Lord

Then, I read this post here about not having a formula for success in the midst of trial but just “hanging on for dear life” and this post here about resting in the mud, in the mess of it, because He’s willing to sit right there with us. I began to wonder if I was seeing it all wrong, if I was trying to earn favor rather than be willing to receive favor.

I’m beginning to hear a new song from the Lord, a refrain of comfort to my weary soul. His song tells of a Shelter in the storm, strength found less in doing and more in waiting, a peace gained not from a change in circumstance but from His very presence.

In my devotion time this week I feasted on these lines that seemed to be meant just for me:

“We must learn to wait on the Lord and look for His return…. As you wait on Him, you will discover that this attitude renews your spiritual strength, clears your perspective, and reduces your giant-sized problems to manageable size. Let David’s words become your marching orders: ‘Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.’” [Excerpt from Joy of Living Bible Studies: Hebrews, pg. 102]

What I Learned from Studying the Word “Wait”

In the original language, this word wait is qavah (pronounced kaw-vaw’) and is a verb meaning to look for, to wait for, to hope for. I found it even more interesting that the original meaning was one of binding together by twisting, as in a rope. (And here I am, dangling at the end of mine.)

I found that this verb is very active, not an idle sitting by the wayside, but an expectant waiting. We are to actively be on the “look out” for the Lord to work on our behalf. While we wait, qavah, we are also to be strong.

The phrase “be strong” from the Hebrew word chazaq (prounounced khaw-zak’) is also a verb. In essence, this chazaq is an also act, something done rather than a state of being. It was used numerous times in the Old Testament to describe a scene of supernatural strength: David vs. Goliath, Samson’s final act, Joshua’s entrance into the Promised Land. [NASB, Hebrew-Greek Keyword Study Bible]

So this being strong is an act that comes not from any natural or human means, but only from the Lord. Thus, it’s impossible for us to “be strong” in the chazaq sense on our own.

So, how does that look, practically speaking? I mean, how can I wait and be strong without striving and stressing?

I can be quick to meet Satan’s lies with truth from the Word. I can earnestly seek moments of joy in a day full of trials. I can watch to find His hand already at work in the situation and trust that it’s happening even if I can’t yet see it. I can speak words of hope.

I can earnestly seek moments of joy in a day full of trials. I can watch to find His hand already at work in the situation and trust that it’s happening even if I can’t yet see it. I can speak words of hope.

I can watch to find His hand already at work in the situation and trust that it’s happening even if I can’t yet see it. I can speak words of hope.

I can speak words of hope.

The Only Source of Strength While Waiting on the Lord

But it’s more than that, isn’t it? Because some days I don’t have it in me.

That’s the key right there – it’s not in me to wait and be strong. What is naturally in me is to despair, to cry “Mercy, Father, it’s too much!”

And maybe sometimes that’s just the best place to be: at the Father’s feet, completely undone, utterly dependent on Him alone. No strength of our own left. Completely at His mercy. Humbled and low-down. At the end of the proverbial rope.

I’ll be honest, that’s a really hard place to sit in.

I much prefer to jump up and busy myself doing something because at least then I feel useful. But what if that’s not what He desires? What if what He most desires is to hear me admit, I can’t do it, Father – I’m not capable – I need help?

I think the most difficult aspect of learning to walk a road of suffering is understanding when to “be still” and when to “soldier on.”

I still don’t have it figured out. I seem to pendulum swing between the two, trying to find that balance.

Some days I’m all “onward Christian soldiers” and others I’m moaning about like an Israelite, lost in the desert. 🙂

It’s all part of His work in progress in me.

So this is the heart of my struggle, really: what is it you require of me, Lord?

Here’s how I believe He’s answering me:

Daughter of mine, wait for Me. Listen for My voice. When it’s time to get up and walk, I will tell you. And when it’s time for you to sit and take rest at my feet, I will tell you. And when it’s time for me to carry you because you have absolutely nothing left to give, then I will carry you. Stop trying so hard and just rest in my embrace. No squirming now, not yet. Sit. Relax. Cry if you need to. Confess if you need to. Question if you need to. I’m big enough to handle all of that and more. Just let Me hold you because that’s all I really want. You, beloved daughter. I want you. Take heart; rescue WILL come, for I am the Faithful One, God of all Hope and Comfort. But for now, just wait.

Because the truth is that our Father God loves with a perfect love, so much more perfect than ours, and our best comfort is found in waiting on the Lord!

Which one of us mothers would look at wounded, heartbroken child and chide her for her tears? I’m not talking about tantrum tears or even repentance tears, but tears of helplessness and hurt. Does their sorrow not bring forth our very compassion?

And which one of us mothers would fail to come rushing to the aid of a child calling urgently for help? Which one of us would refuse to comfort and console? Which of us would leave that child to struggle alone?

We would not.

We cannot because our love compels us to respond. If this is the way we imperfect humans feel about our children, how much more so does our Father God have compassion for us, His beloved, chosen ones?

With that perspective, those crashing waves don’t seem so ominous anymore. They still knock me down from time to time, but maybe, just maybe, that’s exactly where I need to be.

Perhaps those waves of trial aren’t reaching up at my waist in order to suck me under and drown me, but to push me to a better shore. If I would just quit fighting them, give in, and ride the momentum, I’d find myself safely on the other side.

And there I can find the rest my soul is so desperate for.

My sister in Christ, if you’re struggling in the surf of suffering today, take heart.

You are not alone. Rescue is near. He welcomes you into His embrace and asks that you just sit a while.

Listen for His voice.

And keep waiting on the Lord.

Jen 🙂

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy:

http://sarahjofairchild.wordpress.com/2013/09/05/just-one-of-those-days-again/

I’ll also be linking up at any of these places.

Sharing with: Grace and Truth

The Day I Saw Red

September 6, 2013 by stultsmamaof4 31 Comments

Today I saw red.

I was so angry at the injustice that I burst into tears. That’s my response, ya know, when the going gets so tough that all kinds of nastiness is about to spew forth from my lips.

But I know I’m held to a higher standard than the world; I know the tongue is sharper than any two-edged sword. I know letting those words escape would be wrong. So I gulp the words down and they rise up as tears instead.

You see, there was this insurance claim for a broken bone, which happened during our family vacation (see the story about Buttkill Falls). And even though we followed every step that we should have, even though we did everything according to procedure, the insurance company still refuses to pay.

It’s really not just the fact that this month we’re already short, and the medical center has already removed money from our account. After all, I know Our Provider can handle dollars and cents.

It’s not even just that my tailbone still hurts and now I’m miserable with a cold, too.

It’s the incredible injustice of knowing you did everything right, yet still you suffer.

I saw red, and I was tempted to despair.

I asked the Lord, “Why? Hasn’t enough gone wrong already in the last few weeks?” And the truth is that it really has been an incredibly crazy few weeks for us. One trial after another. When it rains it pours. That kind of few weeks. The kind of weeks that string into one long line of day after day of some new problem to cope with – problems with

The kind of weeks that string into one long line of day after day of some new problem to cope with – problems with ministry, problems in the home, problems with old, leaky pipes, problems with finances, problems with health.

You cling to His promises and try to face each new challenge with a trusting heart. But it all sort of piles up on you until you feel like you can’t breathe anymore and you want to beg for rescue, cry out for mercy.

It feels unfair.

And whenever I get to that point, the point when I’m telling the Lord He’s not being fair to me, He has only to say one word…

Jesus.

It wasn’t fair to Him, either.

He did everything right and nothing wrong, yet He suffered even unto death for my sin, my wrongdoing, my evil.

Oh, the shame! The shame of having questioned. The shame of telling myself my petty, short-term suffering is unbearable, that it shouldn’t be required of me. The shame of my sinful pride.

And the perspective!

The perspective of realizing there are so many others suffering much, much worse evils around the world. People struggling just to survive. People dying for their faith. People dying without any Hope.

The perspective of remembering Who is on my side – how could I forget? Has He not proven Himself faithful time and time again? And still I doubt, like Peter who saw the 5,000 fed, yet feared the wind and the waves, walking toward Christ, yet slowly sinking.

The perspective of remembering Who is on my side – how could I forget? Has He not proven Himself faithful time and time again? And still I doubt, like Peter who saw the 5,000 fed, yet feared the wind and the waves, walking toward Christ, yet slowly sinking.

So, I saw red today.

My face turned red. Tears fell. I shouted angrily at the Lord, even if only in my mind.

And then He showed me Red.

Red blood dripping from the sacrificial Lamb, the perfect Son of God who deserved only glory, not death.

My salvation and my forgiveness.

The One who understands true suffering.

Forgive me, Father, for my faith is weak and I sometimes doubt.

But You, You are good.

Even when I am not.

And You love me, even when I fail to love You.

Thanks for reminding me that I’m a work in progress, and that work is not yet complete.

I have Hope in You.

Jen 🙂

Okay, I’m pretty sure I bent the Five Minute Friday rules again today, and this is way more personal than what I’m comfortable sharing. In fact, I’m downright embarrassed and a little afraid. But… when I sat down to write, this is what came out at the end of a long day, concluding a long week. And I can’t hide it away as I would like to, or I wouldn’t be a truth-teller.

My friends, we all have sinned. And we all doubt. Even missionary kids. Even ministers’ wives. Even faith bloggers. 🙂 If you’re struggling today, I want you to know that you’re not alone. And that He loves you anyway. Just listen to the words of the song below.

Read more encouraging words from another blogger who’s having “one of those days” here.

Taught by Twins

June 12, 2013 by stultsmamaof4 30 Comments

Close to five years ago, God chose to bless our family in a totally unexpected way. It was a blessing I never would have chosen for myself, one I was completely unprepared for and one that brought with it a great deal of anxiety. It’s a blessing that often continues to challenge me today.

The blessing we received was the gift of two children at one time – twins! From the moment we received that awe-inspiring news, I began to worry. The truth is that I like to be in control; I like to plan things in advance. I like life to be organized and tidy, not uncertain or chaotic. Two babies at once was not part of my plan! In my turmoil, I didn’t know whether to yell, “Praise the Lord!” or break down in tears.

Thus, I spent the early portion of my twin pregnancy struggling with fear, worry, and what if’s that I never even considered with my first two pregnancies. What if we lost one or both of them? What if they were born prematurely? What if they had medical issues? What if I had to have a C-section? What if I just couldn’t handle twins? What if our middle child (then our youngest) couldn’t handle being displaced by two siblings at once? What if I couldn’t figure out how to nurse two at a time? What if we didn’t have enough money? The doubts strung out in a long line.

On top of the what ifs, I was riding the roller coaster of amplified pregnancy hormones as a result of carrying two babies at one time. One moment I felt euphoric excitement and extreme gratitude for this unexpected blessing and the next – sheer terror. Even my fear became complicated by the addition of guilt, guilt for sometimes thinking, “it would be easier if it was just one baby,” or “this wasn’t in our plan.” As soon as the errant thoughts entered my consciousness, I felt a shame like no other. So many women would give anything to carry just one baby, and here I was complaining to myself that I was being blessed with two!

I knew I was sinning. I knew I needed to trust God more. I knew that He was in control! I knew His grace was sufficient for me. If He chose to give us twins, then He knew we could handle it with His strength. I prayed constantly over these truths, but I was having so much trouble believing them. I put up a good outer front – it was easy to share my excitement with others and leave out the more shameful feelings.

One day when I confessed my worry that I would be inadequate, a wise woman at my church kindly told me that God knew I could handle two at once, or He would not have entrusted these babies to me. A light bulb burst into light, and I suddenly saw my unexpected twin pregnancy anew, as an honor, a privilege. Instead of reveling in my blessing, I was wallowing in worry. I was wasting this unique experience.

Little by little, the Lord began providing for our physical needs, as if to provide physical evidence for my skeptical spirit. He knew we needed a larger vehicle, so He provided a minivan for our family at very little cost to us. He knew we’d need double the clothing, so He sent neighbors and friends with bags of gently used clothing and other baby necessities.

Our church family collected gifts for us also, including a mountain of diapers that tumbled over onto the floor of the bedroom closet. We received countless gift cards, often from unexpected sources! I was completely overwhelmed by a God who takes seemingly impossible situations and works out the details without any help on our part, and I praised Him for meeting our needs and encouraging us on this new journey.

My pregnancy progressed as uneventfully as a twin pregnancy can and as I neared the end, I thought we might actually make it to full term. The specialist I was seeing joked about how great my uterus was and how well my body was built for carrying babies. I beamed, pleased my body was cooperating so nicely. All was well.

And then the swelling began: first my legs, then my hands, and finally my face. I knew it was pre-eclampsia because I’d experienced it twice before but never this quickly. I called the specialist to report my symptoms, already knowing the answer I would receive. Come to the office immediately.

Not long after arriving at the office, I was ushered over to the hospital and told that a C-section was imminent. C-section: that dreaded word that made me want to run in the opposite direction. Furthermore, my pregnancy had only just reached 34 weeks, so I required steroid injections to help mature the babies’ lungs before operating.

As excited as I was to meet our two bundles of joy, fear of the unknown crept back in, slowly and silently. I feared the C-section recovery. I feared the health issues facing my premature infants. Fear slipped in little by little until suddenly, it was upon me and I could scarcely breathe. I momentarily forgot that God was in control. I forgot that He had demonstrated His provision over and over again for the past seven months in some very big ways. I forgot that He promises to be faithful, and I had a pity party for myself right there in my hospital bed. I cried. I worried. I wallowed in fear, took a bath in its darkness. I wondered why. Why, God?

Our twins arrived the next morning via C-section at right around five pounds each and were quickly whisked away to the NICU. It was the beginning of a very long week. We existed in a sort of haze, but we survived. I put off dealing with my fears and thought surely things would get better once we settled in at home. Surely I wouldn’t worry so much having them right next to me instead of in another section of the hospital.

However, when we finally did make it home, I realized very quickly that it was just the beginning of a long haul. Both babies came home on apnea monitors, which made just about everything more difficult: feeding, sleeping, travelling, and so forth. Additionally, we had already spent an entire week apart from our two older boys, including missing our oldest’s birthday party, so they were understandably needy, as well.

The nights were even more difficult as we woke ourselves every three hours to feed babies that needed assistance, and then I still had to pump. It was exhausting, and I continued to worry about them. Did they drink enough? Would they gain weight? Would I ever be able to nurse them? What should I do when they both cry at once? How can I get them on a schedule when one seems to need more sleep than the other? So much uncertainty.

At first, I read a lot of literature on parenting twins, scheduling, and so forth. I worked at getting them on the same schedule and tried not to feel guilty about the lack of time with our older children. I decided to focus less on doing everything right and focus more on just surviving the day to day grind. I spent time in the Word. I prayed ever more fervently for strength and wisdom. He told me to let go. Quit worrying. Trust Him that even if I somehow did something wrong, my children would still be okay.

It took a few months to come to grips with the fact that my prior parenting experience held little value in this new four-child-family world. I had to adapt my lofty ideals to techniques that would actually work for our family. I even resigned myself to the fact that I might not ever be able to nurse the way I wanted to (although we did eventually figure out how to tandem nurse).

I gave up on having things “just so” and became content with “good enough.”

I gave in to my infant son’s desire to be held…a lot..and my daughter’s desire not to be swaddled. I learned they were different from one another. I learned to find quiet moments with my older children and to understand that jealousy was just a part of life for siblings, whether they have one sibling or many.

One day as I sat on the floor with my incredible infants, it dawned on me that we were no longer just surviving; we were actually THRIVING! All four of our children were happy and despite continuing medical issues, the twins were growing and learning. I even felt more connected to my husband as our busy household required more teamwork than ever before. In fact, despite little sleep and little “me time,” I was superbly content.

Watching my two infants smile at one another, holding them both in my arms at once, feeding them together – all of these things brought me a greater joy than I ever could have imagined. If you have ever seen two babies giggle and smile at one another or sleep peacefully side by side, then you know the joy I’m referring to. It is overwhelming in its beauty.

I admit: life wasn’t always pretty. We still had difficult days, but the smooth days eclipsed the rough ones. I thanked the God who gave me a blessing I didn’t deserve, the blessing I didn’t ask for, the blessing I would never have chosen for myself.

When God gave us twins, He taught me a few very valuable lessons that I try to carry with me still. He taught me that Philippians 4:13 really IS true. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” isn’t just a nice saying, but He really can give me physical strength for the day!

He also taught me that I needed to relax as a parent.

So what if our school age son still doesn’t know how to tie his shoes because we had twins the year before he started kindergarten? So what if I don’t feed my children a food-pyramid-perfect meal three times a day, every day? So what if my oldest occasionally runs out of clean clothing? So what if the tv is on more than I’d like?

There are so many more important things in life than the details of the day to day grind of being mother to a larger than average family. Things like relationships. Love. Attentiveness. Contentment.

The Lord showed me that if I want that abundant life my heart so desires, I need to do the opposite of what makes sense to me. I need to quit trying harder, quit controlling more, and just relax. Relax in His grace. Relax in His presence. I don’t have to control it all because He is in control. If I remain close to Him, the details will work themselves out, often in a more stunning way than I ever thought possible.

Jeremiah 29:11 became very real to me.

I’m profusely thankful that His plans for our hope and future included twins. Like the Israelites in the desert, I would have settled for a return to Egypt rather than experience the glory of the Promised Land. But He had a bigger blessings in mind for us.

Can you recall a time when God’s plans failed to match up with your plans? What were the results?

Jen 🙂

I’m sure that first step was a mountaintop experience, a spiritual high like none other. I’m sure Peter was elated, soaring on faith-wings that yearned to stretch wider and swoop higher!

We need our Father God.

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In order to be featured next week:

He who is in you is greater than, yes, even Monday mornings.

What if we choose the struggle instead, friends?

Those are the days we count it a victory just to finish out with our faith still intact.

How to Survive While You Are Waiting on the Lord

The Problem with Christian Platitudes for Those Who Are Waiting on the Lord

A Changed Perspective on Waiting on the Lord

What I Learned from Studying the Word “Wait”

The Only Source of Strength While Waiting on the Lord

I saw red, and I was tempted to despair.

Jesus.

Satisfaction Through Christ
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