pastor's wife Archives | Being Confident Of This

A Prayer for the Defeated Woman

July 24, 2018 by jstults 2 Comments

I woke feeling like a defeated woman again today, Lord, wrestling with the flesh.

Tired from the start, I wanted nothing more than to remain in bed. And I have good reason – day four of earache and sore throat and overwhelming weariness. I could stay in bed all day and no one would blame me.

Well, that’s not quite true because the Accuser would blame me.

He would say I’m not trying hard enough, that people are counting on me, that I’m sick too often to go to bed every time a virus comes around.

My perfectionistic nature would agree with him, too.

Father, I’m still struggling to find this balance between working hard in Your strength and taking time to rest, too. Sometimes I wish You could physically pull me aside and say, “It’s okay to quit now, Jen. You can take a break.”

I don’t know why it’s so difficult right now to find peace in my everyday life. There’s so much to do and so little time, and I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

The gap between expectations and reality is something every human faces, especially those of us in ministry.

What’s most bothersome is this constant struggle between wanting to work hard at the life You have laid before me, to do my best to bring glory to Your name, and the daily desire to run away from it all right now.

I’m living in the mire of Romans 7, but longing for the victory of Romans 8.

And I know, I know, I know… that Your Word says we find rest in You alone, that Your burden is easy and light.

So what am I doing wrong?

Because this doesn’t feel easy or light. It feels like a lot of hard, unending work.

Maybe that’s the real key – these feelings that would dominate if I allow them to, feelings like “too hard” and “not enough” and “overwhelmed.”

I know the Enemy of my soul has been hard at work for months now, creating doubt, setting me up for perceived failure, erecting obstacles at every turn.

I know Your Word says to expect his attacks (1 Peter 5:8), and I see them now for what they are, but some days it doesn’t seem to help me overcome.

Some days I just feel stuck.

So, I cry out for rescue, Lord. I’m such a helpless, sinful mess – a pastor’s wife who finds little joy in reading Your Word lately, who lacks the words and sometimes even the desire to pray. One who feels ashamed of her own sinful heart.

Ah, there it is – the truth comes out. This is the battle I fight: I want to be good enough on my own, like Eve in the garden who wanted wisdom on her own terms.

The more I struggle to prove myself, the more I recognize my own flaws and failures, the more defeated I become.

My only hope lies in You, my Rescuer and Redeemer.

You, who love me at my worst.

You, who laid down Your life so that I might live.

I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:2-5 (NIV)

Help me with this burden of guilt, Father. Remind me that I’m a defeated woman no more!

Release me from the Enemy’s snare.

Lift me up from these depths and restore the joy of my salvation to me.

Forgive me for ignoring Your beckoning call, for taking my relationship with You for granted. Forgive me for giving in to selfish desires, for trying to work in my own strength rather than Yours. Forgive me for turning to worldly comforts rather than You.

You alone are my strength and my shield.

Deliver me.

Remind me that I can only pour out of myself what I allow You to pour into me, but that Your supply is endless and abundant .

Help me to surrender all.

Help my unbelief.

Let me hide myself in You alone.

Because You are a good, good Father, and You love me still.

Jen

I wrote these words over a year ago, about two years into our church-planting journey thus far. I didn’t share them back then for fear of what others might think, but for some reason, this piece keeps coming to mind. So maybe one of you needs to hear that you’re not alone today? 🙂

If so, let me encourage you that on the other side of this “wrestling with the flesh” came a season of bearing fruit in my personal walk and harvesting fruit in our ministry that was so worth all of the wrestling. So while it may not seem worth it at the moment, my sister in Christ, don’t listen to the Accuser and that inner voice of doubt. Instead, lean on the promise of Galatians 6:9, and do not grow weary in doing good.

I encourage you to take time today to read through Romans 7 and 8. Take heart in knowing that even the apostle Paul wrestled with the flesh and take note of what made all the difference for him. I promise it’s worth a bit of your precious time!

One Simple Way to Meet Your Goals

January 17, 2015 by stultsmamaof4 15 Comments

I’ll admit, I tend to resist setting goals. Anyone else?

My perfectionist nature resists setting a standard due to fear of failure. It’s one of the reasons I’ve had such a hard time finding my “one word” in the past.

I don’t like to be wrong.

I don’t like to fall short.

But the flip side of playing it safe is never stretching myself, never reaching for something more, never giving myself a chance to succeed.

It’s not that I never have any goals for myself at all for; it’s just that I don’t often claim them, don’t often voice them aloud, don’t share them with others, and definitely don’t hold myself accountable. I’m guilty of keeping my goals general rather than specific because that makes them easier to meet.

However, this year I recognize the need to risk a little more, step out in faith while trusting in the God who is at work in us and promises to complete that work (Phil.1:6).

One of my goals for the year is to do my part in restoring my health.

I need more sleep. I need more exercise. I need to eat more balanced meals and to take in less sugar. This past month or so of illness has been eye-opening. I need to do these things in order to be healthy, but more importantly to honor the Father with my body, to walk in obedience with Him.

I need to do these things in order to be healthy, but more importantly to honor the Father with my body, to walk in obedience with Him.

Pray for me, sisters!

Another goal for the year is to use my time more wisely through better planning.

Time management affects so many areas of my life, but to be specific, I plan to spend at least two mornings a week writing and working on this blog.

Previously, I’ve squeezed writing in here and there, but I’m finding lately that if I don’t plan time to write, it just doesn’t happen. And then I lay awake at night with all of these great ideas and phrases and sometimes whole sentences or paragraphs swirling around in my mind. Anyone else? 🙂

I want to obey the Lord in best using this gift of writing. I don’t want to put that on hold unless He asks that of me, and lately He seems to be asking more, not less in this area.

Women everywhere understand this pull to be involved in ALL of the good things, but often in our attempts to do so, we miss out on the best things. If I want the best for me and for my family, I have to learn to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading and not man’s wisdom.

I make it my goal to please Christ.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Gal. 1:10

A final goal is to love my husband as Christ does.

It’s been a really tough year for both of us. The trials have been nearly constant and there is always the temptation to withdraw into oneself in order to survive the refining fires. But we cannot! For the sake of our marriage and our family, we must learn to suffer together, to support one another even when we already feel the weight of our own burdens.

I see already how the Father is working that understanding into us, teaching us a better way. I know He will be faithful to complete the work in our marriage, as well.

One practical way I can love my husband better is to consistently reach out to him, whether through words or actions or touch. I can hug and kiss him when he leaves for the day and when he comes home. I can look at him and ask him how his day was even if I’m busy when he comes in the door.

My goal is to intentionally seek connection with him, to encourage him, and to help him feel loved – every day.

The one simple way to meet your goals

When I read all of the words above, I am easily overwhelmed! I see all of the flaws, the areas that need work.

There are so many and I…

well, I am only one.

Do you feel that same lacking, sisters? That same inadequacy?

However, the Father reminds me that I can accomplish these goals by doing one simple thing: abide in Him.

It’s true! If I focus on abiding in Him, I will be sensitive to His leading and these other areas of life will fall into place so much easier than if I try to work towards these goals all on my own.

If I get up with this long list of “must do’s” each day, I’ll be worn out and discouraged before lunchtime.

But if I get up with the goal of abiding in Him and following His leading, I can be at peace. You can too!

And if I learn how to discern His plans and purpose for me, then I can spend my time wisely pursuing the goals He has for me rather than wasting my time doing all of the things I “think” He wants me to do.

With the power of His grace and the reality of His Spirit living in me, I don’t have to give in to that old fear of failure anymore. If my main goal is to please Christ, then that work is already accomplished by His death on my behalf! From that perspective, I’m already living in victory.

It’s only by living and working from this identity that we can be transformed and renewed from the inside out.

That’s the simple way to meet your goals – make it your goal to please Christ.

It comes back to that work-in-progress truth, my sisters in Christ.

He promises.

And I believe Him.

Don’t let fear of failure get in the way any longer.

Choose faith.

Choose progress.

Jen 🙂

The Pastor’s Mulligan

March 9, 2014 by stultsmamaof4 13 Comments

We woke at our usual Sunday-morning times and showered and bathed the little ones. We ate breakfast and dressed in our Sunday-morning clothes and tied shoes and added bows to ponytails. The morning routine was going relatively smoothly until the phone rang.

I heard my husband say, “Aw, man.”

Concerned, I called out from the next room, “What’s wrong?”

“We’re late! I forgot it was the start of daylight savings!”

For most church-going families, this would result in either skipping Sunday School altogether or making a red-face, apologetically late entrance.

But I’m married to the Pastor.

So, forgetting to “spring forward” meant people sitting in the sanctuary, sitting and waiting on us.

At first, the perfectionist in me was sorely tempted to give in to crankiness. Why would the Lord allow us to make such a noticeable and embarrassing mistake?! How could we have missed daylight savings?!

Somehow, I had missed every possible reminder of the upcoming time change and was honestly clueless. Right then and there, I decided blaming God wasn’t going to help and neither was blaming myself. Although forgetting to change our clocks was incredibly humiliating and humbling (and it WAS), it could not have been prevented in any way.

So, when my husband, the pastor, received the call that meant we were shamefully late, I decided to let it go, to trust the Lord, knowing my own conscience was clear. Knowing that while others might have the right to complain, we could handle it with grace.

You see, the Father’s been teaching me lately how little the approval of men matters in the larger scheme of things. He’s been teaching me instead to look towards His Son for the approval that I seek. He’s been stretching my ideas about grace.

By the time we made it to church, wet hair and all, Sunday School was already halfway over, but we made the best of it. I was a little afraid my husband might be chastised, but thankfully our small, country church is full of kind and gracious folks.

And wouldn’t you know the Lord had a word for us today, a word for me.

Because my husband preached on Jonah and the people of Nineveh. He proclaimed that our God is the God of mulligans, second-chances, do-overs, try-agains. And we, the pastor and his family, had been exceedingly, embarrassingly late to church that morning. 🙂

Wait – it gets even better! The very best part of God extending a mulligan to the people of Nineveh (and to those of us who trust in Him today) is that no record of previous wrongs exists. The second chance takes the place of the first, wipes it completely out of existence, as if it never, ever happened.

That argument with your husband – wiped out. Those harsh words spoken to your children – wiped out. The thoughts you had about that hard-to-get-along-with person – wiped out. The extra bites of brownie you took – wiped out. The time you wasted on frivolous things – wiped out. The decision to ignore the Holy Spirit so you could have more “me” time – wiped out. The worry, the coveting, the greed, the jealousy, the impatience, the lack of self-discipline, all of it – wiped out.

Sometimes we don’t realize how guilty we’ve allowed the Enemy to make us until we’re reminded of the second chance, the mulligan. Sometimes we forget that even though life gets hard and our sin nature pulls at us so and we feel helpless, the final battle is already won, just as we sang in our closing hymn this morning:

“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And has shed His own blood for my soul.”

We forget that our sins have already been pardoned, mulligan-ed, wiped away:

“My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more…”

And the victory that is ours to cling to will come. It will come. It will come, sisters.

“And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.”

Because by the blood of the Father’s son, Jesus, we possess unlimited mulligans.

Even pastors.

Even their wives.

Psalm 103

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

And in our humility, we see clearly His greatness.

Jen 🙂

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