When You Just Want to Be Left Alone

The truth is, I just wanted to be left alone. After all, we weren’t getting along, we were bickering about everything – or so it seemed, and the last thing I wanted was to have to spend time with him. I didn’t want his usual greeting of a hug and kiss. I just wanted him to go away.

As I watched him walk away, shoulders drooped due to my cold shoulder, I felt a twinge of guilt and remorse. Then I remembered the stress he’d caused me, the fear he’d brought into our home, and I pushed the guilt aside. This mess was his fault, and he needed to fix it.

Sadly, this has happened too many times in my marriage.

I was the one doing the damage that is warned against in Mark 10:9 –

Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.

It wasn’t someone or something else separating my husband and me. It wasn’t another man or woman, it wasn’t  job stress, a crazy boss, or even distance. It was me.

I was letting the enemy come between us through bitterness that I was letting take root in my heart.

One day, out of the blue, my husband texted me to ask if we could start praying together. I was confused because we do pray together.

He listed a few things that he wanted to begin praying about, together, intentionally.

I took my time answering because…I wanted to be left alone.

I wanted to just ignore his request and wallow in my own feelings.

But that’s the thing about a covenant relationship – God gently and lovingly reminded me of my part of the commitment while I sat there telling Him about how my husband broke his part of the commitment.

Despite all that happened, I firmly believe God called me to stay in my marriage, to see my husband get the necessary help he needs, to champion redemption inside these four walls.

And that’s why I had to check my attitude. I could not continue to let the enemy weasel his way into the marriage that I was fighting for. I couldn’t write about redemption and then stand in the way of it.

Despite my feelings, regardless of the fact that I really just wanted to be left alone, I picked up my phone and responded to my husband.

Yes, I will pray with you.
Yes, we’ll pray specifically for the things that you want to pray for.
And yes, we’ll move forward trusting God together.

In order for our marriage to grow together, and actually in order for any marriage to move forward, we have to set self aside. We have to be looking out for the best for our spouse and for our marriage.

I’m thankful for the Lord’s conviction in my life, to gently remind me that selfishness really isn’t going to get me anywhere. Even though I wanted to be left alone, even though I set up barriers to connecting with my husband, the Lord gently worked in our hearts to draw us back together.

Friends, if the Lord is working in your heart in this manner, trust me when I say that it’s better choosing His way. Set aside your feelings, even just for a moment, and let Him work in your heart.

 

Rebekah has been completely overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of the Lord in her life. He has proven His faithfulness in every area of her life, especially in her marriage. She has come to understand the power of redemption and God’s work in her own marriage. Her goal is to be Sharing Redemption’s Stories – encouraging wives who are praying for redemption in their marriage.